Gravity pulls and quickly I fall by the wayside. I have hidden my face from god for this time of struggle, hoping that his love for me will blind me, pulling me out of the depths of sin. I have altered my stance in life that now I have stopped searching and have begun to run in the opposite direction. Not searching, only observing. I am trying to rid myself from the grip of fear; mainly the fear of oneself. I have not abandoned god, instead, I put myself in a position that I no longer try to be saved so that god, if he loves me, would act. My yearning for god have reached the point of Insanity. I search elsewhere for it. How dare I do such a thing as walk away from god and dare him to love me?!
I blame the spirit of Lust for pushing me so low. I blame myself for allowing him to do so. I ask god to save me from that stain of sin which makes me desire evil things over good things. I tell myself, If god loves me, he will save me. I have searched everywhere. I have found him yes but I want more of him, and because I can't cross that boundary of Intermacy I go nuts. I KNOW God exist and that he is all love. Well I want that love that satisfies all, and it drives me insane that I don't have it.
My struggle these past four days is a paradoxial struggle. Its like I love god so much that I let him go, and if he comes back then I will live with him forever. I only do this because I have confidence in his love for me. If he doesn't, then I'll pray to die. How can Life be lived without the all substancial love of God. I'll die if I do not know the REAL love of god for me. I prefer death compared to not having his love. I know he love me but I want him to let me experience it in a REAL way. It just drives me insane! I've Tripped!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Human Passions
My skin is hot and burning with passion right now. I cannot think straight without thinking about sex. These thoughts and feelings of mine betray my character because
in the eyes of the beholder, Matthew cannot be thinking about these things so often and passionately. I mean if someone for one day has the grace or curse to be in my shoes for a while say one week, they might just go crazy.I know the root of my distress - I want the best of both worlds. The world of the flesh and the world of the Spirit. It is very interesting how emotions effect an overriding of reason and right judgment in the human person. There is an even greater urge and stronghold for Lust when a person's spirit "Matches" or has a liking for such activity. Sometimes for these kinds of people it is extremely difficult to say no as compared to persons whose main liking is not Lust but maybe greed or anger. For them it is easier to say no for they have stronger wills in these areas.
My being has this weakness for lustful thoughts. And for persons who suffer from the same temptations as myself, they will understand what i mean when I say that I get into my thoughts.They play over and over again. In these moments, resisting makes the passions stronger. Everything touched or seen or heard is turned into a fantasy. Sin. What a Thing!
Now I am in this position because I have failed to obey instruction. I got myself into this mess (though these thought have not yet led me to sinful action) because was told to cast the object(someone) that causes me to sin aside but I am so very attached emotionally. I am doing the detachment but it takes longer for me than the appointed time that has already past. So I am still attached.This morning I woke up with a dream of me flirting and kissing a person. Petting and exploring their limits into my kind of sin. Luring them in by my caresses. The previous day I indulged myself into the thoughts and sinned twice. This caused these desires. Do know what the root of these forbidden passions were? - my persistence in disobedience complimented with the cloak of secrecy.
What is the lesson here fellow Christian - Be Vigilant, Obey your Spiritual director and avoid the occasion of sin at all cost, namely by prayer.Saint Anthony, on your holy feast day, may we as Christians imitate your way of preserving yourself from the most minute sin, in order to be one with Christ. Salus Credentium.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Spirituality of Living in God
Today while travelling to work I said to myself, - you know Matthew, God is fading away as the main person in my life. The one which engulfs my every thought and desire. Cause in my thoughts there is mainly one person and its not him the lover for the beloved. These days I am more occupied with the love of human beings. This, love that will not last nor satisfy my craving for love - the main characteristic of manhood. So I said. Give God his due now. Don't call that person now and prayer your morning prayer which you put aside Matthew to talk to this person and pray that now. At least.
So I did; and on my second journey to work still began to read the next chapter of my "Spiritual Reading" From the Book, The Joy of Full Surrender, praying that this would be an aid to my examination of conscience. I would like to share this, for it watered the seeds of faith, hope and love in me.
There is a time when the soul lives in god and a time when God lives in the soul. What is appropriate to one of these times is not fitting to the other.
When the soul lives in God, it must take trouble to obtain for itself regularly and carefully every possible means to achieve union with him. The whole procedure is marked out - the readings, the examination of conscience, the resolutions. Its guide is always present, everything is by rule, even the hours for conversation.
When God lives in the soul, it has nothing left of self, but only that which the Spirit imparts to it moment by moment. Nothing is provided for the future, no road is mapped out, but the soul is like a child who can be led wherever one pleases, and has nothing but feeling to distinguish between what is offered to it. No more books with marked passages for these souls; often they are even deprived of a regular spiritual director, for God allows them no other support than himself. They dwell in darkness, forgotten and deserted, in death and nothingness. They suffer distresses and miseries without knowing where to find relief. Keeping their eyes toward Heaven alone, they wait peacefully and without fear for help to come. And God, who seeks no purer disposition in His loved ones than this entire surrender of self-interest in order to live by grace and divine operation alone, provides them with the necessary books, thoughts, self-understanding, advice and wise counsel. Everything that others discover by diligent searching these souls find in self-surrender. What others store up with care so they can find it again, these souls receive the very moment there is need of it, and afterwards the relinquish it again, taking only what God is willing to give, in order to live through Him alone.
Others undertake an infinity of good works for the glory of God, but these souls are often cast aside in a corner of the world like bits of broken crockery, apparently of no use to anyone. There these souls, forsaken by men but enjoying God with a very real,, true and passionate, though deeply tranquil love, attempt nothing by their own impulse. They know only that they must surrender themselves and remain in god's hands to be used by Him as He pleases. Often they do not know of what use they might be, but God knows well. The world considers them of no account, but it is nonetheless true that in mysterious ways and through hidden channels these souls spread abroad an infinite amount of grace on persons who often are unaware of them, people of whom these souls may themselves be unaware.
In these surrendered souls everything effectively preaches the Good News of the gospel. God gives their silence, their quiet, their self-forgetfulness, their words and their gestures a certain virtue, which, unknown to themselves, works in the hearts of those around them; and, just as they are guided by the random actions of innumerable creatures that are unknowingly influenced by grace, they themselves, in their turn, are used to support and guide others without any direct acquaintance with them or knowledge that this is what they are doing.
It is God who works in them in unforeseen and often unknown impulses. In this way they are like Jesus, from whom went out a secret virtue for the healing of others. There is this difference between Him and them: often they are not conscious of the outflow of this virtue and contribute nothign by way of co-operation. It is like a hidden balm which men perceive without recognizing, and which is itself unaware of its own healing virtue
So I did; and on my second journey to work still began to read the next chapter of my "Spiritual Reading" From the Book, The Joy of Full Surrender, praying that this would be an aid to my examination of conscience. I would like to share this, for it watered the seeds of faith, hope and love in me.
Chapter 1
When The Soul Lives in God
When The Soul Lives in God
There is a time when the soul lives in god and a time when God lives in the soul. What is appropriate to one of these times is not fitting to the other.
When the soul lives in God, it must take trouble to obtain for itself regularly and carefully every possible means to achieve union with him. The whole procedure is marked out - the readings, the examination of conscience, the resolutions. Its guide is always present, everything is by rule, even the hours for conversation.
When God lives in the soul, it has nothing left of self, but only that which the Spirit imparts to it moment by moment. Nothing is provided for the future, no road is mapped out, but the soul is like a child who can be led wherever one pleases, and has nothing but feeling to distinguish between what is offered to it. No more books with marked passages for these souls; often they are even deprived of a regular spiritual director, for God allows them no other support than himself. They dwell in darkness, forgotten and deserted, in death and nothingness. They suffer distresses and miseries without knowing where to find relief. Keeping their eyes toward Heaven alone, they wait peacefully and without fear for help to come. And God, who seeks no purer disposition in His loved ones than this entire surrender of self-interest in order to live by grace and divine operation alone, provides them with the necessary books, thoughts, self-understanding, advice and wise counsel. Everything that others discover by diligent searching these souls find in self-surrender. What others store up with care so they can find it again, these souls receive the very moment there is need of it, and afterwards the relinquish it again, taking only what God is willing to give, in order to live through Him alone.
Others undertake an infinity of good works for the glory of God, but these souls are often cast aside in a corner of the world like bits of broken crockery, apparently of no use to anyone. There these souls, forsaken by men but enjoying God with a very real,, true and passionate, though deeply tranquil love, attempt nothing by their own impulse. They know only that they must surrender themselves and remain in god's hands to be used by Him as He pleases. Often they do not know of what use they might be, but God knows well. The world considers them of no account, but it is nonetheless true that in mysterious ways and through hidden channels these souls spread abroad an infinite amount of grace on persons who often are unaware of them, people of whom these souls may themselves be unaware.
In these surrendered souls everything effectively preaches the Good News of the gospel. God gives their silence, their quiet, their self-forgetfulness, their words and their gestures a certain virtue, which, unknown to themselves, works in the hearts of those around them; and, just as they are guided by the random actions of innumerable creatures that are unknowingly influenced by grace, they themselves, in their turn, are used to support and guide others without any direct acquaintance with them or knowledge that this is what they are doing.
It is God who works in them in unforeseen and often unknown impulses. In this way they are like Jesus, from whom went out a secret virtue for the healing of others. There is this difference between Him and them: often they are not conscious of the outflow of this virtue and contribute nothign by way of co-operation. It is like a hidden balm which men perceive without recognizing, and which is itself unaware of its own healing virtue
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
My Miracle on the Job
Oh what a day! Its been a while since i blogged but today made me want to write.
I challenged the authority of my boss' position on a matter that could cost me my job. And boy was I scared at first. I entreated the lord and he answered in my favour but I still have to face the lurking wrath of the wounded beast. Here's the story -
Job and Church clashed for the first time. And it was ugly. My weekends are committed to Christ and personal development and my normal working hours are Monday - Friday. This Saturday coming, the 2nd June, I needed to be at The office because of exams since my boss was out of the country for ten days. I didn't think that it would have been a problem to compromise the first half of this weekend's agenda with my job's agenda and I was informed yesterday that I was wrong. I had to make the choice between my commitment to my job or the commitment to the Aspirancy programme. If i chose one over the other, the threat was that the other would suffer. I would lose my job or not complete the programme.
upon telling my boss this morning since i only knew that it was a problem yesterday, she issued the treat of serious disciplinary action as stated. This made me cry agonizingly. It all boiled down to the question where do your priorities lie and choose such? And to call my boss in barbados and inform her of my weighty decision.
I locked the office door for ten minutes and prayed the Chaplet of Tears with my own added tears before I looked to engage my next move - to overrule my boss by going directly to the Executive director. To make a long story short, I was successful in my plea. upon hearing of this my boss became even more upset and promises to discipline me when she returns, but I am not worried. God worked it all out in my favour thus far and the word was final. I can't lose my job over an incident which could be avoided easily.
The lesson - Put your trust in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, Our god of Providence and His plans for you will come through. Nothing is impossible with god! Hope also on the power of intersession from the Mary Most Holy and God will hastily answer.
I challenged the authority of my boss' position on a matter that could cost me my job. And boy was I scared at first. I entreated the lord and he answered in my favour but I still have to face the lurking wrath of the wounded beast. Here's the story -
Job and Church clashed for the first time. And it was ugly. My weekends are committed to Christ and personal development and my normal working hours are Monday - Friday. This Saturday coming, the 2nd June, I needed to be at The office because of exams since my boss was out of the country for ten days. I didn't think that it would have been a problem to compromise the first half of this weekend's agenda with my job's agenda and I was informed yesterday that I was wrong. I had to make the choice between my commitment to my job or the commitment to the Aspirancy programme. If i chose one over the other, the threat was that the other would suffer. I would lose my job or not complete the programme.
upon telling my boss this morning since i only knew that it was a problem yesterday, she issued the treat of serious disciplinary action as stated. This made me cry agonizingly. It all boiled down to the question where do your priorities lie and choose such? And to call my boss in barbados and inform her of my weighty decision.
I locked the office door for ten minutes and prayed the Chaplet of Tears with my own added tears before I looked to engage my next move - to overrule my boss by going directly to the Executive director. To make a long story short, I was successful in my plea. upon hearing of this my boss became even more upset and promises to discipline me when she returns, but I am not worried. God worked it all out in my favour thus far and the word was final. I can't lose my job over an incident which could be avoided easily.
The lesson - Put your trust in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, Our god of Providence and His plans for you will come through. Nothing is impossible with god! Hope also on the power of intersession from the Mary Most Holy and God will hastily answer.
Powered by ScribeFire.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Talent Show Lesson
Today, I sung Josh Groban's 'Remember When it rained' For a Talent Show. Boy was i nervous. And that song I couldn't imitate moves because the song naturally has no movements to it. I found the strength to sing in front of an audience. Something i don't usually do. I nearly always dislike publicity. Yet I thank god that everything came through. Not exactly as I wanted because I was nervous, Yet I didn't 'Buss' as we say in Trinidad.
When preparing to come on stage, i recalled how as Christians we are the ones to be under scrutiny because of our life of Holiness. And how often we end up in the public eyes. I also pondered the challenge for a man to stand up for the truth and win the people's favour and reasoning. This must be an arduous thing
When preparing to come on stage, i recalled how as Christians we are the ones to be under scrutiny because of our life of Holiness. And how often we end up in the public eyes. I also pondered the challenge for a man to stand up for the truth and win the people's favour and reasoning. This must be an arduous thing
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Why Full Surrender? - Chap. 12, Finding The Will of God
If we are able to greet each passing moment as themanifestation of the will of God, we will find in it all our heart can desire. What could there be more reasonable, more perfect, more divine than the will God? could any change of time or place or ccircumstance alter or increase its infinite value? If you possess the secret of discovering it at every moment and in everything, then you possess all that is most precious and worthy to be disired. What is iit that you seek, you who desire to become holy? Give full scope to your longings. Your wishes need have no measure, no limit. However much you may desire, I can show you how to attain it, even though it be infinite. There is never a moment i which I cannot enable you to obtain al lthat you can desire.
The Present moment is always filled with infinite treasure. It contains more than you have the capacity to hold. Faith is the measure of these treasures; according to your faith you will receive. The will of God is constantly before you like an immense, inexhaustible ocean that no human heart can fathom; but none can receive from it more than he has the capacity to contain. It is necessary to enlarge this capacity by faith, confidence and love.
The whole universe cannot fill the human heart, for its capacity is greater than anything other than God. It is on a highter plane than the material creation, andfor this reason nothing material can satisfy it. The divine will is a deep sea, the surface of which is the present moment. If you plunge into this sea you will find it infinitely more vast than your desires. Offer no homage to creatures;do not adore your own illusions. They can neither give you anything nor deprive you of anything. Receive your fullness from the will of God alone, and it will not leave you empty. Adore it, put it first, before all things. Tear all disguises from vain pretenses and forsake them all going straight to the sole realityy. The reign of faith is death to the senses; it is their spooilation, their destruction. The senses worship the physical. Faith adores God's divine will. Destroy the idols of the senses and they will weep andn rebel, but faith must triumph, becasue the will of God cannot be separated from it. When the senses are terrified, famished, despoiled or crushed, then it is that faith is enriched and nourished. Faith laughs at these calamities as the commander of an impregnable fortress mocks at the useless attacks of an impotent foe.
When we recognize the will of God and surrender entirely to it, then God gives Himself to us and we experience the most powerful assistance in all difficulties. Thus we enjoy great happiness in this comin gof God, and the more we learn to surrender ourselves to His all adorable will at every moment, the more joy we have.
-
Jean~Pierre de Caussade,
The Joy of Full Surrender
revised translation by Hal M. Helms
The Present moment is always filled with infinite treasure. It contains more than you have the capacity to hold. Faith is the measure of these treasures; according to your faith you will receive. The will of God is constantly before you like an immense, inexhaustible ocean that no human heart can fathom; but none can receive from it more than he has the capacity to contain. It is necessary to enlarge this capacity by faith, confidence and love.
The whole universe cannot fill the human heart, for its capacity is greater than anything other than God. It is on a highter plane than the material creation, andfor this reason nothing material can satisfy it. The divine will is a deep sea, the surface of which is the present moment. If you plunge into this sea you will find it infinitely more vast than your desires. Offer no homage to creatures;do not adore your own illusions. They can neither give you anything nor deprive you of anything. Receive your fullness from the will of God alone, and it will not leave you empty. Adore it, put it first, before all things. Tear all disguises from vain pretenses and forsake them all going straight to the sole realityy. The reign of faith is death to the senses; it is their spooilation, their destruction. The senses worship the physical. Faith adores God's divine will. Destroy the idols of the senses and they will weep andn rebel, but faith must triumph, becasue the will of God cannot be separated from it. When the senses are terrified, famished, despoiled or crushed, then it is that faith is enriched and nourished. Faith laughs at these calamities as the commander of an impregnable fortress mocks at the useless attacks of an impotent foe.
When we recognize the will of God and surrender entirely to it, then God gives Himself to us and we experience the most powerful assistance in all difficulties. Thus we enjoy great happiness in this comin gof God, and the more we learn to surrender ourselves to His all adorable will at every moment, the more joy we have.
-
Jean~Pierre de Caussade,
The Joy of Full Surrender
revised translation by Hal M. Helms
Monday, May 14, 2007
Missionaries
"Missionaries plant seeds of love that help countless hearts to grow."
- Now doesn't this remind us of the WHOLE life of Blessed Mother Theresa?
Christ has no hands but yours
Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours.
Yours are the eyes through which he looks,
Compassion on this world.
Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good.
yours are the hands whith which He blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands
Yours are the feet
Yours are the eyes
you are His body.
Christ has no body
now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours.
Yours are the eyes
through which He looks,
Compassion on this world.
Yours are the feet whith which
He walks to do good.
Christ has no body
now on earth but yours.
- Saint Theresa of Avila
What a Funny thing! I didn't realize that Saint Theresa wrote this and I was Firstly reminded of Another Theresa, Mother Theresa.
The psalm that speaks to my soul
From the Instruction of my priest, I have to obey and pray my morning prayer for at least twenty minutes before I begin my day. Today It began with a rough start. I prayed it. But on my way to work. It therefore took the usual place of my rosary time. In our Morning and Evening Prayer Book which the Catholic Church gives us for each day of the week and church seasons of the year, Today's Liturgy captivated my attention. For the lenght of the day I carried this scripture in my mind and heart pondering it there like Mary for the rest of the day. Consciously or Sub-Consciously. This scripture - Why are you cast down, my soul, why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him still, my saviour and my God - Spoke to me. I guess the Psalm was telling me persevere and be full of cheer. Purifying my soul is a cross that must be carried, so keep at it Matthew.
Psalm 41
Like the deer that yearns
for running streams,
so my sou is yearning
for you my God.
My soul s thirsting for God,
the god of my life;
when can I enter and see
the face of God?
My tears have become my bread,
by night, by day,
as I hear it said all the day long:
'Where is your God?'
These things will I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I would lead the rejoicing crowd
into the house of the God,
amid cries of gladness and thanksgiving,
the throng wild with joy.
Why are you cast down, my soul,
why groan within me?
Hope in God; I will praise him still,
my saviour and my God.
My soul is cast down within me
as I think of you,
from the country of Jordan and Mount Hermon,
from the Hill of Mizar.
Deep is calling on deep,
in the roar of waters:
your torrents and all your waves
swept over me.
By day the Lord will send
his loving kindness;
by night I will sing to him,
praise the god of my life.
I will say to god, my rock:
'Why have you forgotten me:
Why do I go mourning
oppressed by the foe?'
With cries that pierce me to the heart,
my enemies revile me,
saying to me all the day long:
'Where is your God?'
Why are you cast down, my soul,
why groan within me?
Hope in god; I will praise him still,
My saviour and my God.
Friday, May 11, 2007
good things
Very busy week. Good things are happening like crazy. I am now Stable at my job. I remember more clearly and I am in a better position in my spiritual life. In my last post, I wanted to write down something from this book I am reading as a spiritual reading for the year - Why full surrender - It caught my attention when I read it some days ago and I needed to share it with you but I purposely forgot because I was packing for my second aspirancy weekend. I actually came to work with One BIG bag of clothes. thank god no one saw. lol. going to enjoy this life in the spirit. Namely the spirit of obedience over the weekend.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Internet
This Internet access is just fueling temptation for a man overcoming a porn addiction! Alas I am not lost, for St. Anthony helps to strenghten me.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
1. An Update. 2. Original Pain Therapy
Today I see the counselor. In my eyes I am pretty ok now, after relaxing myself over the weekend, and hand another important chat with my priest. Though I feel this way, I could still like to use some advice from a psychologist's perspective. I thank Saint Anthony for his prayers and his presence today, since it was yesterday that I completed my Novena. I have indeed become stronger and more stable in my spiritual life and in my workplace. As I write this post, I feel like watching pornography because of a lustful advertisement and some blogs which I browsed. I am feeling the heat of the sin but I am not venturing into the fire. This strength of resisting temptation is improved but I still feel that I need help.
I am glad that I am getting over those two months of frustration and anxiety over myself because it was not a nice feeling. Over weekend again, In the Aspirancy Programme for discerning my vocation, the group of us ventured into Original Pain Therapy. This is a special therapy that deals with childhood pains from the womb till the age of 12 (the end of childhood). I can't wait to do the next session because we started to venture into ourselves. I recommend this to every person. Everybody has issues in their lives that has its roots in childhood like myself that needs to be soughted out to free the adult.
I am glad that I am getting over those two months of frustration and anxiety over myself because it was not a nice feeling. Over weekend again, In the Aspirancy Programme for discerning my vocation, the group of us ventured into Original Pain Therapy. This is a special therapy that deals with childhood pains from the womb till the age of 12 (the end of childhood). I can't wait to do the next session because we started to venture into ourselves. I recommend this to every person. Everybody has issues in their lives that has its roots in childhood like myself that needs to be soughted out to free the adult.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
God Our Father
I Love God My Father! for today he has saved me from loneliness and sorrow. He raised me up when i couldn't reach him anymore of my own effort. He came to me bring relief of body and soul. He came to me to make my life easier to bear.
I speak like this because for the past two days, i couldn't find the love to love. Even to love myself. I had just got suspended from my job for a day because of excessive mistakes with my work which i thought was so perfectly done in February. These errors haunted me and made my boss angry and very disappointed in me. What made the situation worst was my boss would have gotten into ton loads of trouble if an assessment of our department was done this semester since the institute is becoming accredited. This would have been because of my fault.
This was on Tuesday. That night I cried like a baby. I just didn't know what to do with myself since everything that seemed like my fault. not just work but everything. I need to see Jesus now now. I live not too far from a church which I remembered have whole day adoration. So late in the night around 9.20 I dressed myself and headed down to the church. there I weeped silently restraining my groaning as I addressed Jesus sacramentally present. Couldn't cry as I wanted because I was not alone. After finishing, I was more at ease with my pains.
Yesterday, at home, thinking about my life, God the father came to me. I needed a father so I yielded to his inspiration. I read the Messages from the only known and church approved Apparition of God the Father to Mother Eugenia Elisabetta Raviso?. After reading such a soothing love note to my person, God raised me, urging me to remember my dignity of being called his child. And as his child he deserves the right to serve me. He yearns to be with me in my troubles and rescue me from sadness, because his love cannot stand idle and indifferent while his child suffers. God our Father is the Best of Fathers. He reminded be that my reward for loving him and letting him love me would be great in heaven, and that I would be blessed because I believed without seeing.
These Messages of god entitled "The Father Speaks To His Children" was like drinking icy cold water under desert sun temperatures. It was like my soft comfortable bed after a tiresome day. I was absorbed into the moment of spending time with my father who loves me and do not want me to be afraid.
I encourage everyone to read these messages meant for all of us individually, since in my own estimation, many people do not know of these apparitions, more less, the messages. Its like an undiscovered treasure of riches. A secret that NEEDS TO BE TOLD.
I speak like this because for the past two days, i couldn't find the love to love. Even to love myself. I had just got suspended from my job for a day because of excessive mistakes with my work which i thought was so perfectly done in February. These errors haunted me and made my boss angry and very disappointed in me. What made the situation worst was my boss would have gotten into ton loads of trouble if an assessment of our department was done this semester since the institute is becoming accredited. This would have been because of my fault.
This was on Tuesday. That night I cried like a baby. I just didn't know what to do with myself since everything that seemed like my fault. not just work but everything. I need to see Jesus now now. I live not too far from a church which I remembered have whole day adoration. So late in the night around 9.20 I dressed myself and headed down to the church. there I weeped silently restraining my groaning as I addressed Jesus sacramentally present. Couldn't cry as I wanted because I was not alone. After finishing, I was more at ease with my pains.
Yesterday, at home, thinking about my life, God the father came to me. I needed a father so I yielded to his inspiration. I read the Messages from the only known and church approved Apparition of God the Father to Mother Eugenia Elisabetta Raviso?. After reading such a soothing love note to my person, God raised me, urging me to remember my dignity of being called his child. And as his child he deserves the right to serve me. He yearns to be with me in my troubles and rescue me from sadness, because his love cannot stand idle and indifferent while his child suffers. God our Father is the Best of Fathers. He reminded be that my reward for loving him and letting him love me would be great in heaven, and that I would be blessed because I believed without seeing.
These Messages of god entitled "The Father Speaks To His Children" was like drinking icy cold water under desert sun temperatures. It was like my soft comfortable bed after a tiresome day. I was absorbed into the moment of spending time with my father who loves me and do not want me to be afraid.
I encourage everyone to read these messages meant for all of us individually, since in my own estimation, many people do not know of these apparitions, more less, the messages. Its like an undiscovered treasure of riches. A secret that NEEDS TO BE TOLD.
Powered by ScribeFire.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Saint Anthony of Padua
I remember my priest telling me some time ago that St. Anthony, instead of him running away from god when he had plenty problems, He ran to god instead. Hearing this brought me some encouragement to run to god with my problems. Yesterday I was fighting up with myself to go to god and I was saying/praying desperately - "Lord, now you stretch out your hand to help me. I can't can reach out anymore. It is you that need to catch me, I'm unable to continue the journey and reach out anymore. Lord Jesus HELP ME. I am losing myself to myself, drowning in my misery!"
It was then that I thought that I should do a novena to one of those saints who were sinners like myself and at the end of it all inherited heaven. And I remembered what my priest said. I feel like I need a saintly male figure or a Saintly man's prayer for help because some of my problems were of masculine origins. . I narrowed it down to my patron saints to which I have five - St. Simeon (from confirmation), Matthew, Anthony, and Peter because those were my names, and St. Martin de Porres because his intersession healed me at a time in my life. Right now I am juggling between the St. Martin de Porres and St. Anthony of Padua, and I have a feeling that I would choose St. Anthony because his feast day is in June.
I took the time yesterday to write in my journal all my burdens because I want to remember what I am shouldering these passing days; I have the hope that these days of darkness would pass though my faith is dimming as I would estimate. I am praying that I make the right choices for the direction of my life, as 2007 is my year of DECISION. I did not designate this but it was my priest. I have so much to lose if I decide wrongly, One MONSTER skeleton among many in the closet and if they get out or I take them out, it would be a messy situation for me. I want to be free from fear and failure and live happily, Certain that in suffering, I become a better man and draw closer to god. THAT is my ultimate goal!
It was then that I thought that I should do a novena to one of those saints who were sinners like myself and at the end of it all inherited heaven. And I remembered what my priest said. I feel like I need a saintly male figure or a Saintly man's prayer for help because some of my problems were of masculine origins. . I narrowed it down to my patron saints to which I have five - St. Simeon (from confirmation), Matthew, Anthony, and Peter because those were my names, and St. Martin de Porres because his intersession healed me at a time in my life. Right now I am juggling between the St. Martin de Porres and St. Anthony of Padua, and I have a feeling that I would choose St. Anthony because his feast day is in June.
I took the time yesterday to write in my journal all my burdens because I want to remember what I am shouldering these passing days; I have the hope that these days of darkness would pass though my faith is dimming as I would estimate. I am praying that I make the right choices for the direction of my life, as 2007 is my year of DECISION. I did not designate this but it was my priest. I have so much to lose if I decide wrongly, One MONSTER skeleton among many in the closet and if they get out or I take them out, it would be a messy situation for me. I want to be free from fear and failure and live happily, Certain that in suffering, I become a better man and draw closer to god. THAT is my ultimate goal!
Powered by ScribeFire.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Aspirancy Programme
My week of uncertainty is finally coming to a close. This past week i have been anxious about the situation at my job because my boss was getting annoyed when my incapabilities was showing itself. And I would understand why because if i was her, I probably would too.
This weekend gone as well, I finally started this new programme called the Aspirancy programme that was geared towards a deeper discernment of the call to the priesthood. It is structured to be something like a seminary life experience but the difference is that it would last three months and we would continue to live how we live now, with regards to our jobs and commitments. Wasn't particularly excited when the directors said that the group of us were to begin a mission in the village of Guayaguayare (Amerindian Name).
I was thinking to myself- I am not in a position or state of mind and body to do this. I am going through a little crisis of my own and i am being called to a mission. again. now?- That was the last thing on my mind but I suspected that the programme would have had a mission intertwined.
This weekend gone as well, I finally started this new programme called the Aspirancy programme that was geared towards a deeper discernment of the call to the priesthood. It is structured to be something like a seminary life experience but the difference is that it would last three months and we would continue to live how we live now, with regards to our jobs and commitments. Wasn't particularly excited when the directors said that the group of us were to begin a mission in the village of Guayaguayare (Amerindian Name).
I was thinking to myself- I am not in a position or state of mind and body to do this. I am going through a little crisis of my own and i am being called to a mission. again. now?- That was the last thing on my mind but I suspected that the programme would have had a mission intertwined.
Powered by ScribeFire.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Getting Tough
God is really is working in my life. This I know because hard times are coming. Some things that he is doing is hard to accept though I know that I must 'play along'. Two things I realize is happening right now. that god is preparing me for my desert experience where i must depend on him and him alone. This mind you is my prayer being answered. a difficult prayer being answered. My focus is forced to change and that is exactly how I want it to be. Let me give some examples.
1. I looked for love and affection from people, and god is allowing those people to care less about loving me.
2. I am having trouble taking control of my life, and my director tells me that we need some time-off.
3. I love my friends lot and now because of my director leaving, the majority of them will be visited less frequently.
4. I am about to enter into and 'Aspirancy Programme' which practically is a structured programme for men interested in the priesthood to be in a formation / discernment environment.
I was disappointed a little for the Octave of Easter, but this Mercy Sunday I made it my duty to cry like a baby, and present my brokeness finally in totality before god. No longer am I going to worry about my inabilities and vulnerabilities. I take it to Jesus, entrusting myself to him and his mercy.
I consider Divine Mercy Sunday a second Easter Sunday or Good Friday, because thats the day not a single flood gate of heaven is closed as Jesus has said in the Diary of St. Faustina.
1. I looked for love and affection from people, and god is allowing those people to care less about loving me.
2. I am having trouble taking control of my life, and my director tells me that we need some time-off.
3. I love my friends lot and now because of my director leaving, the majority of them will be visited less frequently.
4. I am about to enter into and 'Aspirancy Programme' which practically is a structured programme for men interested in the priesthood to be in a formation / discernment environment.
I was disappointed a little for the Octave of Easter, but this Mercy Sunday I made it my duty to cry like a baby, and present my brokeness finally in totality before god. No longer am I going to worry about my inabilities and vulnerabilities. I take it to Jesus, entrusting myself to him and his mercy.
I consider Divine Mercy Sunday a second Easter Sunday or Good Friday, because thats the day not a single flood gate of heaven is closed as Jesus has said in the Diary of St. Faustina.
Powered by ScribeFire.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Busy Week. The Mercys Thereof
O Lord! This whole week, gone and present, has been tough and demanding. yet still I don't feel the pinch. Easter weekend was a High and a very Low for me. Did everything the church required and felt good. The low was that I did something really really stupid on Easter Sunday of all days, but this stupid act taught me something I needed to know, and it also made some people in my life closer to me. It confirmed some strengths within me, especially the need for secrecy, and my love for Bl. Virgin Mary. The Rosary in fact did save me from disaster because the thing I feared doing the most never came to past and I was preserved from falling into that particular sin. Praise Jesus and Mary! You know what happened instead? I GOT DRUNK! never in my life again!
I really don't know how people, after getting drunk the first time, get drunk a second, third, fourth and fifth time. They must really not love themselves! one is so vulnerable and out of mind! I was even afraid of choking on my vomit and dying while asleep! I will never do this to myself again. No matter how much I trust the people I am with. (and they were true)
It made me wonder of the state of other person's lives who are drunken daily. How they must be very depressed or troubled in their lives, those who do not know what true love is and therefore cannot stop willingly till they know love. This thought was a very sad thought. That some people so hate themselves. O God if they only knew Jesus, they would find the will power to change.
I blamed myself alot for many things when I was drunk, and my friends were mad at me for that because we all drank together. but I felt responsible. And talking about will power, I was, Easter Monday, saddened again by the lack of self control I have, and how I seemingly always fall into the occasion of sin willingly without obstruction. I was contemplating 'should I go to Jesus again? Trouble him again? - I was thinking of this when I was drunk too - I can't help myself at all or make any right decisions for myself. That is SUCH a Weight on my neck and shoulders to bear. You really get to know yourself when you begin to know god. And it is an intimidating feeling. When I was drunk i kept saying "Only Mary can save me! Only Mary can save me!" I just don't like to offend Jesus like this every time. I needed the love, prayer and protection of a Mother, The only love I truly knew.
In order to correct this lack of self control, I get stern with myself and undergo a lock down. I need to be disciplined to make the right choices I say. My priest already tells me that I must not fear myself because I do all of this as a result of fear, and his guidance and observations of me, not only in this aspect but also alot of aspects, is truthful and very hard to hear. Its like he's touching the 'soft spots' in my being and pointing them out to me. the places where, if people exploit it or know about it, they can devastate me easily. My flaws in being. And when I often am overcome by them, I am afraid of running to god because it is his laws I offend. I am afraid to go to him alone and beg for mercy. I need to go with someone whom he knows and is intermit with, some who knows him and has confidence that he will give mercy. And I choose Our Mother Mary.
I have confidence in the mercy of god and i know he does not refuse a repentant sinner but it is hard to admit guilt and ask forgiveness. I never regretted the day I read the Diary of Saint Faustina. I know god loves to show mercy, and he prefers it. And come this Divine Mercy Sunday (15th April, 2007) I will do every thing possible to adore and worship the Generous Mercy of God. In my next post I will expand on my week's experiences and lessons - Real commotion happening.
I really don't know how people, after getting drunk the first time, get drunk a second, third, fourth and fifth time. They must really not love themselves! one is so vulnerable and out of mind! I was even afraid of choking on my vomit and dying while asleep! I will never do this to myself again. No matter how much I trust the people I am with. (and they were true)
It made me wonder of the state of other person's lives who are drunken daily. How they must be very depressed or troubled in their lives, those who do not know what true love is and therefore cannot stop willingly till they know love. This thought was a very sad thought. That some people so hate themselves. O God if they only knew Jesus, they would find the will power to change.
I blamed myself alot for many things when I was drunk, and my friends were mad at me for that because we all drank together. but I felt responsible. And talking about will power, I was, Easter Monday, saddened again by the lack of self control I have, and how I seemingly always fall into the occasion of sin willingly without obstruction. I was contemplating 'should I go to Jesus again? Trouble him again? - I was thinking of this when I was drunk too - I can't help myself at all or make any right decisions for myself. That is SUCH a Weight on my neck and shoulders to bear. You really get to know yourself when you begin to know god. And it is an intimidating feeling. When I was drunk i kept saying "Only Mary can save me! Only Mary can save me!" I just don't like to offend Jesus like this every time. I needed the love, prayer and protection of a Mother, The only love I truly knew.
In order to correct this lack of self control, I get stern with myself and undergo a lock down. I need to be disciplined to make the right choices I say. My priest already tells me that I must not fear myself because I do all of this as a result of fear, and his guidance and observations of me, not only in this aspect but also alot of aspects, is truthful and very hard to hear. Its like he's touching the 'soft spots' in my being and pointing them out to me. the places where, if people exploit it or know about it, they can devastate me easily. My flaws in being. And when I often am overcome by them, I am afraid of running to god because it is his laws I offend. I am afraid to go to him alone and beg for mercy. I need to go with someone whom he knows and is intermit with, some who knows him and has confidence that he will give mercy. And I choose Our Mother Mary.
I have confidence in the mercy of god and i know he does not refuse a repentant sinner but it is hard to admit guilt and ask forgiveness. I never regretted the day I read the Diary of Saint Faustina. I know god loves to show mercy, and he prefers it. And come this Divine Mercy Sunday (15th April, 2007) I will do every thing possible to adore and worship the Generous Mercy of God. In my next post I will expand on my week's experiences and lessons - Real commotion happening.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Vultus Christi Blog
One of the Best Catholic Blogs Ever belongs to Vultus Christi and not only that. Fr. Mark its author clearly chooses the most remarkable pictures. This is a must "add to links" selection
Powered by ScribeFire.
A Tool For Battle
The Holiest week for the christian is here. Finally the greatest season for me is approaching, the season where there is so many Feast days. Easter Season. Being faithful to the good Lenten practices has been a challenge. But it all boils down to this. The death of our lord and the Three day liturgy. My God how i love my country Trinidad and Tobago. Good Friday and Easter Monday are Holidays and that means ReAL people 'hitting de beach'. Four days of no work!
I am and have been struggling to keep my thoughts and actions pure for this holy week and seriously hope and pray that I do nothing foolish or regretful over this long weekend. And I think i know the answer to keep it so. The Rosary! I just finished reading an exciting, piety driven document on the rosary by Pope Leo XIII on - Devotion of the Rosary written in 1883. What caused me to read that document? This post by a blog called 'The Holy Rosary' he had a link to
the Vatican's Rosary site
St. Louis de Montfort really knows how to steer My heart. - "If you say the Rosary faithfully until death, I do assure you that, in spite of the gravity of your sins 'you shall receive a never-fading crown of glory.' Even if you are on the brink of damnation, even if you have one foot in hell, even if you have sold your soul to the devil as sorcerers do who practise black magic, and even if you are a heretic as obstinate as a devil, sooner or later you will be converted and will amend your life and will save your soul, if-- and mark well what I say-- if you say the Holy Rosary devoutly every day until death for the purpose of knowing the truth and obtaining contrition and pardon for your sins."
I am and have been struggling to keep my thoughts and actions pure for this holy week and seriously hope and pray that I do nothing foolish or regretful over this long weekend. And I think i know the answer to keep it so. The Rosary! I just finished reading an exciting, piety driven document on the rosary by Pope Leo XIII on - Devotion of the Rosary written in 1883. What caused me to read that document? This post by a blog called 'The Holy Rosary' he had a link to
the Vatican's Rosary site St. Louis de Montfort really knows how to steer My heart. - "If you say the Rosary faithfully until death, I do assure you that, in spite of the gravity of your sins 'you shall receive a never-fading crown of glory.' Even if you are on the brink of damnation, even if you have one foot in hell, even if you have sold your soul to the devil as sorcerers do who practise black magic, and even if you are a heretic as obstinate as a devil, sooner or later you will be converted and will amend your life and will save your soul, if-- and mark well what I say-- if you say the Holy Rosary devoutly every day until death for the purpose of knowing the truth and obtaining contrition and pardon for your sins."
Powered by ScribeFire.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Lord, Transform me into yourself
When you say - " lord, Transform me into yourself" be prepared to be in a very uncomfortable position. A place where you do not enjoy, and must challenge yourself to OBEY his instructions and trust in his providence.
I am on the brink of ruin in my own eyes. And this saddens me deeply and I wonder seriously for the second time in my life whether I should continue to live the life of the Gospel and Seek holiness. The work involved in saving my soul and by passing purgatory is tedious. And when faced with the sight of my weaknesses, lackings, failings in life and all of my faults and imperfections, the whole thing looks overwhelming, and holiness, unattainable. But i cannot accept this because i know Wisdom teaches the contrary. That holiness in attainable and god uses our weaknesses as our strengths. Yet I am a burden to myself. What hurts me too is that others confirm these frailties in me by their jokes, gestures and harsh words.
My God, how much of myself I must give to you to be holy! How much this act of love hurts me! To be totally submissive to you and your teachings! That I must Deny myself, pick up my cross and follow you, for my own salvation sake. Seeing the ugliness and the fractures of my body and soul, makes me deeply sad and want to despair. Yet I will trust in your mercy, and hope against hope.
I am on the brink of ruin in my own eyes. And this saddens me deeply and I wonder seriously for the second time in my life whether I should continue to live the life of the Gospel and Seek holiness. The work involved in saving my soul and by passing purgatory is tedious. And when faced with the sight of my weaknesses, lackings, failings in life and all of my faults and imperfections, the whole thing looks overwhelming, and holiness, unattainable. But i cannot accept this because i know Wisdom teaches the contrary. That holiness in attainable and god uses our weaknesses as our strengths. Yet I am a burden to myself. What hurts me too is that others confirm these frailties in me by their jokes, gestures and harsh words.
My God, how much of myself I must give to you to be holy! How much this act of love hurts me! To be totally submissive to you and your teachings! That I must Deny myself, pick up my cross and follow you, for my own salvation sake. Seeing the ugliness and the fractures of my body and soul, makes me deeply sad and want to despair. Yet I will trust in your mercy, and hope against hope.
Conversion to the Fullness of Truth
The Living Church Foundation has published and article that alot of catholic blogs are publishing. And thats because it is great news. Finally there is a hope of reunion with the Catholic Church.
Powered by ScribeFire.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
