My Battle Between Love and Fear

What an upheaval it has been for me, within me! For since by birthday, the highpoint and beginnings of my signs of change so far, my body and soul has been thirsty for the living water that never leaves us thirsty again. The tumulus battle between Love and Fear wages within me causing an instability of the equilibrium of peace within me. The inner man bears his cross; my mind weighted by thoughts of my human capacities and ideals, because my body and soul craves for a new experience of god. The realm of Christian mysticism experienced by so many Saints (Theresa of Avila, Faustina, Padre Pio) but till now, unknown to me.

The three spheres of conflict stemming from this battle between Love and Fear are in essence- Faith Hope and Love; Wisdom Knowledge and Understanding (of god and self); and living the Way, the Truth, and the Life of Christ. They are all interconnected. If I say I LOVE god, then I should trust him? If my faith is living, then I should have no fear of living the gospel to the letter? Right? This challenge of faith initiated out of love for god caused all of this.

For Lent, I have decided to undertake the difficult task of disciplining and conquering myself for 40 days, in preparation for a future career, and also to know the will of god and understand myself. Alas for me, that I should be a burden unto myself! To deny the flesh, and honour my simple lenten commitments made out of my free will to imitate Christ and his virtues is a very difficult and challenging! I think also that at the age of 21, people want to start building on the foundation blocks laid over the years, so this is the time of "shaping up" for me!

The person who truly knows himself would recognize how frail human nature is. God I know, trusting in the experience of other saints, is using this confusion of mine to merit a humble heart, yet, it seems contrary to me and is very painful to bear. Knowing your weaknesses, poverty, and limitations causes in me an anxiety and fear, yet it is pruning my faith in the hidden and unseen god to trust in divine providence for even greater things. I share this perspective with all so they they too who are in a similar situation as myself, may know two things. That you're not the only one out there who questions faith, love, and life, and two, that all things god uses for the good of those who love him.

Spirituality of Living in God

Today while travelling to work I said to myself, - you know Matthew, God is fading away as the main person in my life. The one which engulfs my every thought and desire. Cause in my thoughts there is mainly one person and its not him the lover for the beloved. These days I am more occupied with the love of human beings. This, love that will not last nor satisfy my craving for love - the main characteristic of manhood. So I said. Give God his due now. Don't call that person now and prayer your morning prayer which you put aside Matthew to talk to this person and pray that now. At least.

So I did; and on my second journey to work still began to read the next chapter of my "Spiritual Reading" From the Book, The Joy of Full Surrender, praying that this would be an aid to my examination of conscience. I would like to share this, for it watered the seeds of faith, hope and love in me.

Chapter 1
When The Soul Lives in God

There is a time when the soul lives in god and a time when God lives in the soul. What is appropriate to one of these times is not fitting to the other.

When the soul lives in God, it must take trouble to obtain for itself regularly and carefully every possible means to achieve union with him. The whole procedure is marked out - the readings, the examination of conscience, the resolutions. Its guide is always present, everything is by rule, even the hours for conversation.

When God lives in the soul, it has nothing left of self, but only that which the Spirit imparts to it moment by moment. Nothing is provided for the future, no road is mapped out, but the soul is like a child who can be led wherever one pleases, and has nothing but feeling to distinguish between what is offered to it. No more books with marked passages for these souls; often they are even deprived of a regular spiritual director, for God allows them no other support than himself. They dwell in darkness, forgotten and deserted, in death and nothingness. They suffer distresses and miseries without knowing where to find relief. Keeping their eyes toward Heaven alone, they wait peacefully and without fear for help to come. And God, who seeks no purer disposition in His loved ones than this entire surrender of self-interest in order to live by grace and divine operation alone, provides them with the necessary books, thoughts, self-understanding, advice and wise counsel. Everything that others discover by diligent searching these souls find in self-surrender. What others store up with care so they can find it again, these souls receive the very moment there is need of it, and afterwards the relinquish it again, taking only what God is willing to give, in order to live through Him alone.

Others undertake an infinity of good works for the glory of God, but these souls are often cast aside in a corner of the world like bits of broken crockery, apparently of no use to anyone. There these souls, forsaken by men but enjoying God with a very real,, true and passionate, though deeply tranquil love, attempt nothing by their own impulse. They know only that they must surrender themselves and remain in god's hands to be used by Him as He pleases. Often they do not know of what use they might be, but God knows well. The world considers them of no account, but it is nonetheless true that in mysterious ways and through hidden channels these souls spread abroad an infinite amount of grace on persons who often are unaware of them, people of whom these souls may themselves be unaware.

In these surrendered souls everything effectively preaches the Good News of the gospel. God gives their silence, their quiet, their self-forgetfulness, their words and their gestures a certain virtue, which, unknown to themselves, works in the hearts of those around them; and, just as they are guided by the random actions of innumerable creatures that are unknowingly influenced by grace, they themselves, in their turn, are used to support and guide others without any direct acquaintance with them or knowledge that this is what they are doing.

It is God who works in them in unforeseen and often unknown impulses. In this way they are like Jesus, from whom went out a secret virtue for the healing of others. There is this difference between Him and them: often they are not conscious of the outflow of this virtue and contribute nothign by way of co-operation. It is like a hidden balm which men perceive without recognizing, and which is itself unaware of its own healing virtue

Searching for God and Self

My soul feeds off of today's word which the church so wisely designates for us. Today for me is a continuation of my struggles to know myself and to conform my will and live for god.

This particular sin of mine has burdened me to the point of me just screaming. I feel like not crying out for help to god or to any man because I constantly allow myself to fall. I feel like i can't help myself because I continually seek after what is wrong and malign in my thoughts. I am saddened by this greatly though i am without despair. Anxiety finally takes hold of me. What crushes me mostly is the fact that i don't care as much as i had done before. That I am desensitized to evil and wrong doing, and i have little remorse for sin. I am losing uprightness because of the absences of grace and fear of the lord. my weaknesses and lackings makes itself known. And as a man I dislike being weak and lacking.

My day began with this wrong doing. For me, when I do not give my first hour to god, It is like an offense. I was trying to, for this lent, begin my day with god. I wondered to myself: should i call on god's help? God's mercy?

While travelling to work, I didn't even pray my rosary as usual but began to think. my physical outlook was sad. "I will go to my mother" I said, and i took out the Marian book i had and read this -

Mediatrix of Graces

"Beloved children, I am the Mediatrix of graces. grace is the very life of god which is communicated to you. it springs from the bosom of the father and is merited for you by the word who in my virginal womb, became man to share with you that same divine life, and for this he offered himself as a ransom for you, becoming thus the one and only mediator between god and all humanity.

From the bosom of the father, grace, in order to reach you must therefore pass through the divine heart of the Son, who communicates it to you in his Spirit of love. Just as a ray of light, which passes through a window, assumes its shape, color and design, so too divine grace, merited by Jesus, can come to you only through Him and it is for this reason that it reproduces in you his own image, the very same image which shapes you ever more and more to his own person.

Divine life can reach you only in the form of Jesus, and the more this increases in you, the more you are assimilated to Him, in such a way that you can really grow as his little brothers.

By means of grace, the Father communicates himself to you ever more and more, the Son assimilates you, the Holy Spirit transforms you, bringing about a relationship of life with the Most Holy Trinity, which becomes ever increasingly strong and active. Within souls who are in grace, it is the Most Holy Trinity itself which takes up its dwelling place there.

This Life of grace has also a relationship with your heavenly Mother. As i am truly the Mother of Jesus and your Mother, my mediation is exercised between you and my Son Jesus. This is the natural consequence of my divine motherhood. As the Mother of Jesus, I am the means chosen by God by which my Son can reach you. IN my virginal womb this first act of mediation of mine is carried out. As your Mother, I was the means chosen by Jesus that through me all of you may reach Him.

I am truly the mediatrix of grace between you and my Son Jesus. My task is that of distributing to my little children that grace which flows out from the bosom of the Father, is merited for you by the Son and is given to you by the Holy Spirit. My task is that of distributing it to all my children, according to the particular needs of each one, which the Mother is very good at knowing. I am ever carrying out this duty of mine. However I can carry it out fully only in the case of those children who entrust themselves to me with perfect abandonment. I am above all able to carry it out in respect to you, my favorite sons who, by your consecration, have entrusted yourselves completely to me.

I am the way which leads you to Jesus. I am the safest and shortest way, the necessary way for each one of you. If you refuse to go along this way, you run the danger of being lost in the course of your journey. Today many have wished to put me aside, considering me an obstacle in reaching Jesus, because they have not understood my function as mediatrix between you and my Son. And so, never before as in these present times, are so many of my children running the risk of not being able to reach Him. The Jesus whom they meet is often only the result of their human research, and corresponds to their aspirations and desires; He is a Jesus formed according to their measure: he is not Jesus, the Christ, the true Son of God and of your Immaculate Mother.

Entrust yourselves to me with confidence and you will remain faithful, because I will be able to carry out fully my work as mediatrix of graces. I will take you each day along the way of my Son, in such a way that He may increase in you to his fullness.
This is my great Work, which I am still carrying out in silence and in the desert. Under my powerful action as mediatrix of graces, you are ever more transformed into Christ, that you may become fit for the task which awaits you. Forward then, with courage, along the way traced out by your heavenly Mother"

With yet still a downcast appearance, I pondered on these words and won some hope and strength to continue. When I came to work now, I read the reading for the day and I ATE that Gospel up. I CONSUMED him who was the word. because Jesus was questioned about himself and in god he found himself. That is what i want. I do not know exactly how this word affects me but i feel like I gained some peace and grace to carry on.

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My Burden of Sin. My Hope in God.

Do you hate when you cause yourself to sin? That is me. For the pass two days I have allowed myself to fall into the occassions of sin. I hate when i do that. When I choose to disobey god and destroy myself in the process. Its like this. We are told not to smoke because it's unhealty for you and kills you faster. I causes you pain and suffering and it destroys inside of you...BUT YET you ignore that fact and continue because it feels good! And that the problem with sin. It feels good, and it is only after we have committed the sin that we feel guilty, and its only later on in life we wonder why such and such a thing is happening to us.

Sometimes I wonder, "why do I even bother to try and get better? Every time i try to i end up doing the same shit again!" The answer is really simple, and i have learnt it. Unless you decide for Goodness/Righteousness, you will never be happy. You must always keep trying. And that's the plain truth. God did not make us to suffer, we chose that for ourselves, but we have to suffer because it makes us happy people in the long run. Virtue I learnt is acquired through habit. A person who complains is never happy. A person who is a peace is.

We have to suffer because it is the means for our salvation.

Another answer to this question because God has promised Mankind (me) that if you live the life of the Gospel, and Trust in His mercy, How can he as a Father not forgive me and help. He said he will restore mankind (me) to his former glory (The Mystical City of God book), He said that he awards the effort more than the achievement (Diary of St. Faustina). So that gives me courage to continue. Guilt is good because it let you be aware of you sins and repent for them. Yes he is Just but he favours mercy. Being just if you look at it carefully is really an act of Mercy. Thats why there is a Saving Justice.

The Immaculate Conception

Ok. this link is very very long but i promise you it is worthwhile to read. it is about the extreme holiness of the blessed virgin mary, and the thoughts and the will of god when making her. It is all recorded in the book which i am reading right now, and which i am totally absorbed in its writings. the book - The Mystical City of God. by Venerable Mary of Agreda Spain. It was written in the early 17th century. It is an account of the life of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Chapter VI.
The Immaculate Conception

But If you choose not to read it i would just like to share this from that chapter :-

As the opportune and preordained time had arrived, the three divine Persons conferred with each other saying: "Now is the time to begin the work of our pleasure and to call into existence that pure Creature and that soul, which is to find grace in our eyes above all the rest. Let Us furnish Her with richest gifts and let Us deposit in Her the great treasures of our grace. Since all others, whom We called into existence, have turned out ungrateful and rebellious to our wishes, frustrating our intention and impeding by their own fault our purpose, namely, that they conserve themselves in the happy state of their first parents, and since it is not proper, that our will should be entirely frustrated, let Us therefore create this being in entire sanctity and perfection, so that the disorder of the first sin shall have no part in Her.

Let Us create a soul according to our pleasure, a fruit of our attributes, a marvel of our infinite power, without touch or blemish of the sin of Adam. Let Us perfect a work which is the object of our Omnipotence and a pattern of the perfection intended for our children, and the finishing crown of creation. All have sinned in the free will and resolve of the first man (Rom. 5, 12); let Her be the sole creature in whom We restore and execute that which they in their aberration have lost. Let Her be a most special image and likeness of our Divinity and let Her be in our presence for all eternity the culmination of our goodwill and pleasure. In Her We deposit all the prerogatives and graces which in our first and conditional resolve We had destined for the angels and men, if they had remained in their first estate. What they have lost We renew in that Creature and We will add to these gifts many others. Thus our first decree shall not be frustrated, but it shall be fulfilled in a higher manner through this our first and chosen One (Cant. 6, 8). And since We assigned and prepared the most perfect and estimable of our gifts for the creatures who have lost them, We will divert the stream of our bounty to our Well-beloved. We will set Her apart from the ordinary law, by which the rest of the mortals are brought into existence, for in Her the seed of the serpent shall have no part. I will descend from heaven into her womb and in it vest Myself from her substance with human nature."

"It is befitting and due to the infinite goodness of our Divinity, that It be founded and enclosed in the most pure matter, untouched and unstained by fault. Nor is it proper that our equity and providence overlook what is most apt, perfect and holy, and choose that which is inferior, since nothing can resist our will (Esther 13, 9). The Word, which is to become man, being the Redeemer and Teacher of men, must lay the foundation of the most perfect law of grace, and must teach through it, that the father and mother are to be obeyed and honored as the secondary causes of the natural existence of man. The law is first to be fulfilled by the divine Word by honoring Her as his chosen Mother, by exalting Her with a powerful arm, and lavishing upon Her the most admirable, most holy and most excellent of all graces and gifts. Among these shall be that most singular honor and blessing of not subjecting Her to our enemy, nor to his malice; and therefore She shall be free from the death of sin."

"Now the time has arrived," added his Majesty, "which was resolved upon by our Providence for bringing to light the Creature most pleasing and acceptable to our eyes. That Creature, in whom the human nature is freed from its first sin, who is to crush the head of the dragon, who was typified by that singular sign, the Woman that appeared in the heavens in our presence, and who is to clothe the eternal Word with human flesh. The hour is at hand, so blessed for mortals, in which the treasures of our Divinity are to be opened and the gates of heaven to be unlocked. Let the rigor of our justice be softened by the chastisements, which we have until now executed upon the mortals; let the attribute of our mercy become manifest; let the creatures be enriched, and let the divine Word merit for them the treasures of grace and of eternal glory."

The other virtues which adorn and perfect the rational part of the creature, She possessed in a proportion corresponding to the theological virtues. The moral and natural virtues were hers in a miraculous and supernatural measure, and in a still more exalted manner was She possessed of the gifts and fruits of the Holy Ghost in the order of grace. She had an infused knowledge and habit of all these virtues and of all the natural arts, so that She knew and was conversant with the whole natural and supernatural order of things, in accordance with the grandeur of God. Hence from her first instant in the womb of her mother, She was wiser, more prudent, more enlightened, and more capable of comprehending God and all his works, than all the creatures have been or ever will be in eternity, excepting of course her most holy Son.

Words of The Queen

It is an act of justice due to the eternal God that the creature coming to the use of reason, direct its very first movement toward God. By knowing, it should begin to love Him, reverence Him and adore Him as its Creator and only true Lord. The parents are naturally bound to instruct their children from their infancy in this knowledge of God and to direct them with solicitous care, so that they may at once see their ultimate end and seek it in their first acts of the intellect and will. They should with great watchfulness withdraw them from the childishness and puerile trickishness to which depraved nature will incline them if left without direction. If the fathers and mothers would be solicitous to prevent these vanities and perverted habits of their children and would instruct them from their infancy in the knowledge of their God and Creator, then they would afterwards easily accustom them to know and adore Him. My holy mother, who knew not of my wisdom and real condition, was most solicitously beforehand in this matter, for when She bore me in her womb, she adored in my name the Creator and offered worship and thanks for his having created me, beseeching Him to defend me and bring me forth to the light of day from the condition in which I then was. So also parents should pray with fervor to God, that the souls of their children, through his Providence, may obtain Baptism and be freed from the servitude of original sin.

And if the rational creature has not known and adored the Creator from the first dawn of reason, it should do this as soon as it obtains knowledge of the essential God by the light of faith. From that very moment the soul must exert itself never to lose Him from her sight, always fearing Him, loving Him, and reverencing Him.