My Battle Between Love and Fear

What an upheaval it has been for me, within me! For since by birthday, the highpoint and beginnings of my signs of change so far, my body and soul has been thirsty for the living water that never leaves us thirsty again. The tumulus battle between Love and Fear wages within me causing an instability of the equilibrium of peace within me. The inner man bears his cross; my mind weighted by thoughts of my human capacities and ideals, because my body and soul craves for a new experience of god. The realm of Christian mysticism experienced by so many Saints (Theresa of Avila, Faustina, Padre Pio) but till now, unknown to me.

The three spheres of conflict stemming from this battle between Love and Fear are in essence- Faith Hope and Love; Wisdom Knowledge and Understanding (of god and self); and living the Way, the Truth, and the Life of Christ. They are all interconnected. If I say I LOVE god, then I should trust him? If my faith is living, then I should have no fear of living the gospel to the letter? Right? This challenge of faith initiated out of love for god caused all of this.

For Lent, I have decided to undertake the difficult task of disciplining and conquering myself for 40 days, in preparation for a future career, and also to know the will of god and understand myself. Alas for me, that I should be a burden unto myself! To deny the flesh, and honour my simple lenten commitments made out of my free will to imitate Christ and his virtues is a very difficult and challenging! I think also that at the age of 21, people want to start building on the foundation blocks laid over the years, so this is the time of "shaping up" for me!

The person who truly knows himself would recognize how frail human nature is. God I know, trusting in the experience of other saints, is using this confusion of mine to merit a humble heart, yet, it seems contrary to me and is very painful to bear. Knowing your weaknesses, poverty, and limitations causes in me an anxiety and fear, yet it is pruning my faith in the hidden and unseen god to trust in divine providence for even greater things. I share this perspective with all so they they too who are in a similar situation as myself, may know two things. That you're not the only one out there who questions faith, love, and life, and two, that all things god uses for the good of those who love him.

The Rich Man

These days, because of the encouragement lent brings to do something good, I Try to read my scripture everyday followed by a meditation of that scripture. For a Time that didnt work because everytime i said that i was going to look for it online, i ended up doing something else. so this is what i did. I know that Presentation Ministries gave very good meditations on the readings for the day so i subscribed to their 'One Bread One Body' email day word. And Today's Reading really caught taught me a lesson. Scripture Reading

I Remember my priest, Fr. Chambers saying that when Jesus gives a parable or a story like the prodigal son, Hidden in the story is Jesus himself or some aspect of Jesus. So when i read this passage, i tried to find Jesus in the story. God our father was Abraham, I found Jesus and he was lazarus, the one who was looked down upon, and we are the rich man who cared little for the lord and are indifferent, irresponsible and selfish. Then I realized how it is quite justified that the unrepentant sinner be happy here while he lives. While his heart remains corrupt. I believe that It is an act of justice on god's part that he is not suffering.

this is the reason - I would like to think that because he is made in god's image and because he is going to lose his soul and experience endless torments because of his errors and self love, that god lets him enjoy himself to the fullest here. After all it is only fair for someone to be happy.

This passage also taught me another lesson about the world we live in. When animals ( dogs, cats etc), our pets, show more sympathy and love for neighbour than another human being for a human being, some thing is totally wrong. and if you look at the world today people give animals almost equivalent rights as humans, when we deny basic human rights to people. This thought disturbs me!

Secondly, There are many people who say "Well if you believe in god, do so and so and then we will believe." I now understand when God said it is a faithless and evil generation that ask for a sign. Cause if they couldn't believe that god created the universe, or in the miracles that jesus performed or the proofs that god exist that people term 'coincidences' then it is pointless to ask god for a miracle when they already decided beforehand against god to not believe.