Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Battle Between Love and Fear

What an upheaval it has been for me, within me! For since by birthday, the highpoint and beginnings of my signs of change so far, my body and soul has been thirsty for the living water that never leaves us thirsty again. The tumulus battle between Love and Fear wages within me causing an instability of the equilibrium of peace within me. The inner man bears his cross; my mind weighted by thoughts of my human capacities and ideals, because my body and soul craves for a new experience of god. The realm of Christian mysticism experienced by so many Saints (Theresa of Avila, Faustina, Padre Pio) but till now, unknown to me.

The three spheres of conflict stemming from this battle between Love and Fear are in essence- Faith Hope and Love; Wisdom Knowledge and Understanding (of god and self); and living the Way, the Truth, and the Life of Christ. They are all interconnected. If I say I LOVE god, then I should trust him? If my faith is living, then I should have no fear of living the gospel to the letter? Right? This challenge of faith initiated out of love for god caused all of this.

For Lent, I have decided to undertake the difficult task of disciplining and conquering myself for 40 days, in preparation for a future career, and also to know the will of god and understand myself. Alas for me, that I should be a burden unto myself! To deny the flesh, and honour my simple lenten commitments made out of my free will to imitate Christ and his virtues is a very difficult and challenging! I think also that at the age of 21, people want to start building on the foundation blocks laid over the years, so this is the time of "shaping up" for me!

The person who truly knows himself would recognize how frail human nature is. God I know, trusting in the experience of other saints, is using this confusion of mine to merit a humble heart, yet, it seems contrary to me and is very painful to bear. Knowing your weaknesses, poverty, and limitations causes in me an anxiety and fear, yet it is pruning my faith in the hidden and unseen god to trust in divine providence for even greater things. I share this perspective with all so they they too who are in a similar situation as myself, may know two things. That you're not the only one out there who questions faith, love, and life, and two, that all things god uses for the good of those who love him.


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