Friday, April 27, 2007

Saint Anthony of Padua

I remember my priest telling me some time ago that St. Anthony, instead of him running away from god when he had plenty problems, He ran to god instead. Hearing this brought me some encouragement to run to god with my problems. Yesterday I was fighting up with myself to go to god and I was saying/praying desperately - "Lord, now you stretch out your hand to help me. I can't can reach out anymore. It is you that need to catch me, I'm unable to continue the journey and reach out anymore. Lord Jesus HELP ME. I am losing myself to myself, drowning in my misery!"

It was then that I thought that I should do a novena to one of those saints who were sinners like myself and at the end of it all inherited heaven. And I remembered what my priest said. I feel like I need a saintly male figure or a Saintly man's prayer for help because some of my problems were of masculine origins. . I narrowed it down to my patron saints to which I have five - St. Simeon (from confirmation), Matthew, Anthony, and Peter because those were my names, and St. Martin de Porres because his intersession healed me at a time in my life. Right now I am juggling between the St. Martin de Porres and St. Anthony of Padua, and I have a feeling that I would choose St. Anthony because his feast day is in June.

I took the time yesterday to write in my journal all my burdens because I want to remember what I am shouldering these passing days; I have the hope that these days of darkness would pass though my faith is dimming as I would estimate. I am praying that I make the right choices for the direction of my life, as 2007 is my year of DECISION. I did not designate this but it was my priest. I have so much to lose if I decide wrongly, One MONSTER skeleton among many in the closet and if they get out or I take them out, it would be a messy situation for me. I want to be free from fear and failure and live happily, Certain that in suffering, I become a better man and draw closer to god. THAT is my ultimate goal!

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Aspirancy Programme

My week of uncertainty is finally coming to a close. This past week i have been anxious about the situation at my job because my boss was getting annoyed when my incapabilities was showing itself. And I would understand why because if i was her, I probably would too.

This weekend gone as well, I finally started this new programme called the Aspirancy programme that was geared towards a deeper discernment of the call to the priesthood. It is structured to be something like a seminary life experience but the difference is that it would last three months and we would continue to live how we live now, with regards to our jobs and commitments. Wasn't particularly excited when the directors said that the group of us were to begin a mission in the village of Guayaguayare (Amerindian Name).

I was thinking to myself- I am not in a position or state of mind and body to do this. I am going through a little crisis of my own and i am being called to a mission. again. now?- That was the last thing on my mind but I suspected that the programme would have had a mission intertwined.

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Monday, April 16, 2007

Getting Tough

God is really is working in my life. This I know because hard times are coming. Some things that he is doing is hard to accept though I know that I must 'play along'. Two things I realize is happening right now. that god is preparing me for my desert experience where i must depend on him and him alone. This mind you is my prayer being answered. a difficult prayer being answered. My focus is forced to change and that is exactly how I want it to be. Let me give some examples.

1. I looked for love and affection from people, and god is allowing those people to care less about loving me.
2. I am having trouble taking control of my life, and my director tells me that we need some time-off.
3. I love my friends lot and now because of my director leaving, the majority of them will be visited less frequently.
4. I am about to enter into and 'Aspirancy Programme' which practically is a structured programme for men interested in the priesthood to be in a formation / discernment environment.

I was disappointed a little for the Octave of Easter, but this Mercy Sunday I made it my duty to cry like a baby, and present my brokeness finally in totality before god. No longer am I going to worry about my inabilities and vulnerabilities. I take it to Jesus, entrusting myself to him and his mercy.

I consider Divine Mercy Sunday a second Easter Sunday or Good Friday, because thats the day not a single flood gate of heaven is closed as Jesus has said in the Diary of St. Faustina.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Busy Week. The Mercys Thereof

O Lord! This whole week, gone and present, has been tough and demanding. yet still I don't feel the pinch. Easter weekend was a High and a very Low for me. Did everything the church required and felt good. The low was that I did something really really stupid on Easter Sunday of all days, but this stupid act taught me something I needed to know, and it also made some people in my life closer to me. It confirmed some strengths within me, especially the need for secrecy, and my love for Bl. Virgin Mary. The Rosary in fact did save me from disaster because the thing I feared doing the most never came to past and I was preserved from falling into that particular sin. Praise Jesus and Mary! You know what happened instead? I GOT DRUNK! never in my life again!

I really don't know how people, after getting drunk the first time, get drunk a second, third, fourth and fifth time. They must really not love themselves! one is so vulnerable and out of mind! I was even afraid of choking on my vomit and dying while asleep! I will never do this to myself again. No matter how much I trust the people I am with. (and they were true)

It made me wonder of the state of other person's lives who are drunken daily. How they must be very depressed or troubled in their lives, those who do not know what true love is and therefore cannot stop willingly till they know love. This thought was a very sad thought. That some people so hate themselves. O God if they only knew Jesus, they would find the will power to change.

I blamed myself alot for many things when I was drunk, and my friends were mad at me for that because we all drank together. but I felt responsible. And talking about will power, I was, Easter Monday, saddened again by the lack of self control I have, and how I seemingly always fall into the occasion of sin willingly without obstruction. I was contemplating 'should I go to Jesus again? Trouble him again? - I was thinking of this when I was drunk too - I can't help myself at all or make any right decisions for myself. That is SUCH a Weight on my neck and shoulders to bear. You really get to know yourself when you begin to know god. And it is an intimidating feeling. When I was drunk i kept saying "Only Mary can save me! Only Mary can save me!" I just don't like to offend Jesus like this every time. I needed the love, prayer and protection of a Mother, The only love I truly knew.

In order to correct this lack of self control, I get stern with myself and undergo a lock down. I need to be disciplined to make the right choices I say. My priest already tells me that I must not fear myself because I do all of this as a result of fear, and his guidance and observations of me, not only in this aspect but also alot of aspects, is truthful and very hard to hear. Its like he's touching the 'soft spots' in my being and pointing them out to me. the places where, if people exploit it or know about it, they can devastate me easily. My flaws in being. And when I often am overcome by them, I am afraid of running to god because it is his laws I offend. I am afraid to go to him alone and beg for mercy. I need to go with someone whom he knows and is intermit with, some who knows him and has confidence that he will give mercy. And I choose Our Mother Mary.

I have confidence in the mercy of god and i know he does not refuse a repentant sinner but it is hard to admit guilt and ask forgiveness. I never regretted the day I read the Diary of Saint Faustina. I know god loves to show mercy, and he prefers it. And come this Divine Mercy Sunday (15th April, 2007) I will do every thing possible to adore and worship the Generous Mercy of God. In my next post I will expand on my week's experiences and lessons - Real commotion happening.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Vultus Christi Blog

One of the Best Catholic Blogs Ever belongs to Vultus Christi and not only that. Fr. Mark its author clearly chooses the most remarkable pictures. This is a must "add to links" selection

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A Tool For Battle

The Holiest week for the christian is here. Finally the greatest season for me is approaching, the season where there is so many Feast days. Easter Season. Being faithful to the good Lenten practices has been a challenge. But it all boils down to this. The death of our lord and the Three day liturgy. My God how i love my country Trinidad and Tobago. Good Friday and Easter Monday are Holidays and that means ReAL people 'hitting de beach'. Four days of no work!

I am and have been struggling to keep my thoughts and actions pure for this holy week and seriously hope and pray that I do nothing foolish or regretful over this long weekend. And I think i know the answer to keep it so. The Rosary! I just finished reading an exciting, piety driven document on the rosary by Pope Leo XIII on - Devotion of the Rosary written in 1883. What caused me to read that document? This post by a blog called 'The Holy Rosary' he had a link to the Vatican's Rosary site

St. Louis de Montfort really knows how to steer My heart. - "If you say the Rosary faithfully until death, I do assure you that, in spite of the gravity of your sins 'you shall receive a never-fading crown of glory.' Even if you are on the brink of damnation, even if you have one foot in hell, even if you have sold your soul to the devil as sorcerers do who practise black magic, and even if you are a heretic as obstinate as a devil, sooner or later you will be converted and will amend your life and will save your soul, if-- and mark well what I say-- if you say the Holy Rosary devoutly every day until death for the purpose of knowing the truth and obtaining contrition and pardon for your sins."

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Lord, Transform me into yourself

When you say - " lord, Transform me into yourself" be prepared to be in a very uncomfortable position. A place where you do not enjoy, and must challenge yourself to OBEY his instructions and trust in his providence.

I am on the brink of ruin in my own eyes. And this saddens me deeply and I wonder seriously for the second time in my life whether I should continue to live the life of the Gospel and Seek holiness. The work involved in saving my soul and by passing purgatory is tedious. And when faced with the sight of my weaknesses, lackings, failings in life and all of my faults and imperfections, the whole thing looks overwhelming, and holiness, unattainable. But i cannot accept this because i know Wisdom teaches the contrary. That holiness in attainable and god uses our weaknesses as our strengths. Yet I am a burden to myself. What hurts me too is that others confirm these frailties in me by their jokes, gestures and harsh words.

My God, how much of myself I must give to you to be holy! How much this act of love hurts me! To be totally submissive to you and your teachings! That I must Deny myself, pick up my cross and follow you, for my own salvation sake. Seeing the ugliness and the fractures of my body and soul, makes me deeply sad and want to despair. Yet I will trust in your mercy, and hope against hope.

Conversion to the Fullness of Truth

The Living Church Foundation has published and article that alot of catholic blogs are publishing. And thats because it is great news. Finally there is a hope of reunion with the Catholic Church.

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