This particular sin of mine has burdened me to the point of me just screaming. I feel like not crying out for help to god or to any man because I constantly allow myself to fall. I feel like i can't help myself because I continually seek after what is wrong and malign in my thoughts. I am saddened by this greatly though i am without despair. Anxiety finally takes hold of me. What crushes me mostly is the fact that i don't care as much as i had done before. That I am desensitized to evil and wrong doing, and i have little remorse for sin. I am losing uprightness because of the absences of grace and fear of the lord. my weaknesses and lackings makes itself known. And as a man I dislike being weak and lacking.
My day began with this wrong doing. For me, when I do not give my first hour to god, It is like an offense. I was trying to, for this lent, begin my day with god. I wondered to myself: should i call on god's help? God's mercy?
While travelling to work, I didn't even pray my rosary as usual but began to think. my physical outlook was sad. "I will go to my mother" I said, and i took out the Marian book i had and read this -
Mediatrix of Graces
"Beloved children, I am the Mediatrix of graces. grace is the very life of god which is communicated to you. it springs from the bosom of the father and is merited for you by the word who in my virginal womb, became man to share with you that same divine life, and for this he offered himself as a ransom for you, becoming thus the one and only mediator between god and all humanity.
From the bosom of the father, grace, in order to reach you must therefore pass through the divine heart of the Son, who communicates it to you in his Spirit of love. Just as a ray of light, which passes through a window, assumes its shape, color and design, so too divine grace, merited by Jesus, can come to you only through Him and it is for this reason that it reproduces in you his own image, the very same image which shapes you ever more and more to his own person.
Divine life can reach you only in the form of Jesus, and the more this increases in you, the more you are assimilated to Him, in such a way that you can really grow as his little brothers.
By means of grace, the Father communicates himself to you ever more and more, the Son assimilates you, the Holy Spirit transforms you, bringing about a relationship of life with the Most Holy Trinity, which becomes ever increasingly strong and active. Within souls who are in grace, it is the Most Holy Trinity itself which takes up its dwelling place there.
This Life of grace has also a relationship with your heavenly Mother. As i am truly the Mother of Jesus and your Mother, my mediation is exercised between you and my Son Jesus. This is the natural consequence of my divine motherhood. As the Mother of Jesus, I am the means chosen by God by which my Son can reach you. IN my virginal womb this first act of mediation of mine is carried out. As your Mother, I was the means chosen by Jesus that through me all of you may reach Him.
I am truly the mediatrix of grace between you and my Son Jesus. My task is that of distributing to my little children that grace which flows out from the bosom of the Father, is merited for you by the Son and is given to you by the Holy Spirit. My task is that of distributing it to all my children, according to the particular needs of each one, which the Mother is very good at knowing. I am ever carrying out this duty of mine. However I can carry it out fully only in the case of those children who entrust themselves to me with perfect abandonment. I am above all able to carry it out in respect to you, my favorite sons who, by your consecration, have entrusted yourselves completely to me.
I am the way which leads you to Jesus. I am the safest and shortest way, the necessary way for each one of you. If you refuse to go along this way, you run the danger of being lost in the course of your journey. Today many have wished to put me aside, considering me an obstacle in reaching Jesus, because they have not understood my function as mediatrix between you and my Son. And so, never before as in these present times, are so many of my children running the risk of not being able to reach Him. The Jesus whom they meet is often only the result of their human research, and corresponds to their aspirations and desires; He is a Jesus formed according to their measure: he is not Jesus, the Christ, the true Son of God and of your Immaculate Mother.
Entrust yourselves to me with confidence and you will remain faithful, because I will be able to carry out fully my work as mediatrix of graces. I will take you each day along the way of my Son, in such a way that He may increase in you to his fullness.
This is my great Work, which I am still carrying out in silence and in the desert. Under my powerful action as mediatrix of graces, you are ever more transformed into Christ, that you may become fit for the task which awaits you. Forward then, with courage, along the way traced out by your heavenly Mother"
With yet still a downcast appearance, I pondered on these words and won some hope and strength to continue. When I came to work now, I read the reading for the day and I ATE that Gospel up. I CONSUMED him who was the word. because Jesus was questioned about himself and in god he found himself. That is what i want. I do not know exactly how this word affects me but i feel like I gained some peace and grace to carry on.
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