today i was supposed to do some school work but i didnt. instead i played the fool. i realize that i need to prioritize things in my life because it would not be good for me if i continue living this way. i just came back from a party, what we in trinidad and tobago would call a 'lime' with some friend that are dear to me. but do you ever had the feeling like..ok, these people are my friends but they dont appriciate me. and with this feeling now, you will always not be your 'comfortable' or 'rest easy self.' ....i have come to realize that to love people in the true light of a christian, you just have to bear hurts. i have two such friends and i dont like when every time they would always like to have the 'last say' or be the ones to set the standards. well im like that in a sense. but i guess the difference is that i hold back and take silently the unwilling scorns or the unnoticable damage that friends can cause with an unconscience word or action to another.
I have 3 friends that i would willingly die for and am totally comfortable being around. i dont have the fear of watching over my back or tracing my steps. out of those three i know 1 will do anything in his power to help me out and will put his head on a block for me as well. as for the other too, they may have to think about it.
the thought that engulfs my mind day and night is how am i to be a man? and not just a man but a man of god? i mean, there is almost no good model of a man i can say i can strive to be like other than those of the past like jesus and st. francis or so. but for those that are alive in this world, it is very difficult to find a model among them. and with this question in my mind day and night, it is beginning to take a toll, in such a degree that i dont know if i am acting normal or i am afraid of betraying my masculinity. i guess these are questions we men must all try to answer in this life.