Thank You Father For Relief

O How good is the lord towards me. I hid my face from him saying I will no longer look upon his face to see his love and beauty, to even find happiness, and it was he who took me into his hands, pursued me till my love for him was found again. "I thought I had toiled in vain, and for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength. Yet my reward is with the LORD, my recompense was with my God." I grew tired of carrying my sins and imperfections so enormous; he saw my distress and he came to my help. He was with me as I seeked to save my soul from damnation. I was Justified as being righteous and blameless in the sight of god through the Sacraments of the Church. I have received my living water which quenches my thirst!

I must give thanks to god for today, yesterday and Saturday. During these days, I was shown Mercy confirming that truly I cannot leave the love of God even if I try. Life is Better and more meaningful with him.

While feeling down because of my distress, I made the effort again to look to god for a remedy. Feeling embarassed at myself, I trusted god's generosity of mercy and presented my failings to him. On friday wanting to make peace with god I arranged to do some charity work on Saturday. This was me yielding to god, giving God the opportunity to speak to me as I do his work through our soup Kitchen ministry. 12 good deeds/blessings came as a result of my decision to serve in love. To god be the glory.

I received food for my journey plagued with the heat of the sun and a barren desert. My feet are scorched but god provided a time of soothing relief. He lead me beside the still waters and restored my soul. I can at last continue patiently and perseveringly bear my cross.

Keeping secrets

Simon of Cyrene always helps me carry my cross. Yesterday, I had a talk with my priest. Not surprisingly I told him the state of my soul even though I didn't want to tell him. I realize what St. Therese was saying about keeping secrets and trying to work out problems on your own is a trap of Satan. We all have problems and when we keep it to ourselves it grows like a seed hidden in the earth. Lets not keep things from our confessors. We should listen to Saint James when he saids "Confess your sins to one another"

Fallen Away, Hiding and Seeking

Gravity pulls and quickly I fall by the wayside. I have hidden my face from god for this time of struggle, hoping that his love for me will blind me, pulling me out of the depths of sin. I have altered my stance in life that now I have stopped searching and have begun to run in the opposite direction. Not searching, only observing. I am trying to rid myself from the grip of fear; mainly the fear of oneself. I have not abandoned god, instead, I put myself in a position that I no longer try to be saved so that god, if he loves me, would act. My yearning for god have reached the point of Insanity. I search elsewhere for it. How dare I do such a thing as walk away from god and dare him to love me?!

I blame the spirit of Lust for pushing me so low. I blame myself for allowing him to do so. I ask god to save me from that stain of sin which makes me desire evil things over good things. I tell myself, If god loves me, he will save me. I have searched everywhere. I have found him yes but I want more of him, and because I can't cross that boundary of Intermacy I go nuts. I KNOW God exist and that he is all love. Well I want that love that satisfies all, and it drives me insane that I don't have it.

My struggle these past four days is a paradoxial struggle. Its like I love god so much that I let him go, and if he comes back then I will live with him forever. I only do this because I have confidence in his love for me. If he doesn't, then I'll pray to die. How can Life be lived without the all substancial love of God. I'll die if I do not know the REAL love of god for me. I prefer death compared to not having his love. I know he love me but I want him to let me experience it in a REAL way. It just drives me insane! I've Tripped!

Human Passions

My skin is hot and burning with passion right now. I cannot think straight without thinking about sex. These thoughts and feelings of mine betray my character because in the eyes of the beholder, Matthew cannot be thinking about these things so often and passionately. I mean if someone for one day has the grace or curse to be in my shoes for a while say one week, they might just go crazy.

I know the root of my distress - I want the best of both worlds. The world of the flesh and the world of the Spirit. It is very interesting how emotions effect an overriding of reason and right judgment in the human person. There is an even greater urge and stronghold for Lust when a person's spirit "Matches" or has a liking for such activity. Sometimes for these kinds of people it is extremely difficult to say no as compared to persons whose main liking is not Lust but maybe greed or anger. For them it is easier to say no for they have stronger wills in these areas.

My being has this weakness for lustful thoughts. And for persons who suffer from the same temptations as myself, they will understand what i mean when I say that I get into my thoughts.They play over and over again. In these moments, resisting makes the passions stronger. Everything touched or seen or heard is turned into a fantasy. Sin. What a Thing!

Now I am in this position because I have failed to obey instruction. I got myself into this mess (though these thought have not yet led me to sinful action) because was told to cast the object(someone) that causes me to sin aside but I am so very attached emotionally. I am doing the detachment but it takes longer for me than the appointed time that has already past. So I am still attached.

This morning I woke up with a dream of me flirting and kissing a person. Petting and exploring their limits into my kind of sin. Luring them in by my caresses. The previous day I indulged myself into the thoughts and sinned twice. This caused these desires. Do know what the root of these forbidden passions were? - my persistence in disobedience complimented with the cloak of secrecy.

What is the lesson here fellow Christian - Be Vigilant, Obey your Spiritual director and avoid the occasion of sin at all cost, namely by prayer.

Saint Anthony, on your holy feast day, may we as Christians imitate your way of preserving yourself from the most minute sin, in order to be one with Christ. Salus Credentium.

Spirituality of Living in God

Today while travelling to work I said to myself, - you know Matthew, God is fading away as the main person in my life. The one which engulfs my every thought and desire. Cause in my thoughts there is mainly one person and its not him the lover for the beloved. These days I am more occupied with the love of human beings. This, love that will not last nor satisfy my craving for love - the main characteristic of manhood. So I said. Give God his due now. Don't call that person now and prayer your morning prayer which you put aside Matthew to talk to this person and pray that now. At least.

So I did; and on my second journey to work still began to read the next chapter of my "Spiritual Reading" From the Book, The Joy of Full Surrender, praying that this would be an aid to my examination of conscience. I would like to share this, for it watered the seeds of faith, hope and love in me.

Chapter 1
When The Soul Lives in God

There is a time when the soul lives in god and a time when God lives in the soul. What is appropriate to one of these times is not fitting to the other.

When the soul lives in God, it must take trouble to obtain for itself regularly and carefully every possible means to achieve union with him. The whole procedure is marked out - the readings, the examination of conscience, the resolutions. Its guide is always present, everything is by rule, even the hours for conversation.

When God lives in the soul, it has nothing left of self, but only that which the Spirit imparts to it moment by moment. Nothing is provided for the future, no road is mapped out, but the soul is like a child who can be led wherever one pleases, and has nothing but feeling to distinguish between what is offered to it. No more books with marked passages for these souls; often they are even deprived of a regular spiritual director, for God allows them no other support than himself. They dwell in darkness, forgotten and deserted, in death and nothingness. They suffer distresses and miseries without knowing where to find relief. Keeping their eyes toward Heaven alone, they wait peacefully and without fear for help to come. And God, who seeks no purer disposition in His loved ones than this entire surrender of self-interest in order to live by grace and divine operation alone, provides them with the necessary books, thoughts, self-understanding, advice and wise counsel. Everything that others discover by diligent searching these souls find in self-surrender. What others store up with care so they can find it again, these souls receive the very moment there is need of it, and afterwards the relinquish it again, taking only what God is willing to give, in order to live through Him alone.

Others undertake an infinity of good works for the glory of God, but these souls are often cast aside in a corner of the world like bits of broken crockery, apparently of no use to anyone. There these souls, forsaken by men but enjoying God with a very real,, true and passionate, though deeply tranquil love, attempt nothing by their own impulse. They know only that they must surrender themselves and remain in god's hands to be used by Him as He pleases. Often they do not know of what use they might be, but God knows well. The world considers them of no account, but it is nonetheless true that in mysterious ways and through hidden channels these souls spread abroad an infinite amount of grace on persons who often are unaware of them, people of whom these souls may themselves be unaware.

In these surrendered souls everything effectively preaches the Good News of the gospel. God gives their silence, their quiet, their self-forgetfulness, their words and their gestures a certain virtue, which, unknown to themselves, works in the hearts of those around them; and, just as they are guided by the random actions of innumerable creatures that are unknowingly influenced by grace, they themselves, in their turn, are used to support and guide others without any direct acquaintance with them or knowledge that this is what they are doing.

It is God who works in them in unforeseen and often unknown impulses. In this way they are like Jesus, from whom went out a secret virtue for the healing of others. There is this difference between Him and them: often they are not conscious of the outflow of this virtue and contribute nothign by way of co-operation. It is like a hidden balm which men perceive without recognizing, and which is itself unaware of its own healing virtue