Fallen Away, Hiding and Seeking

Gravity pulls and quickly I fall by the wayside. I have hidden my face from god for this time of struggle, hoping that his love for me will blind me, pulling me out of the depths of sin. I have altered my stance in life that now I have stopped searching and have begun to run in the opposite direction. Not searching, only observing. I am trying to rid myself from the grip of fear; mainly the fear of oneself. I have not abandoned god, instead, I put myself in a position that I no longer try to be saved so that god, if he loves me, would act. My yearning for god have reached the point of Insanity. I search elsewhere for it. How dare I do such a thing as walk away from god and dare him to love me?!

I blame the spirit of Lust for pushing me so low. I blame myself for allowing him to do so. I ask god to save me from that stain of sin which makes me desire evil things over good things. I tell myself, If god loves me, he will save me. I have searched everywhere. I have found him yes but I want more of him, and because I can't cross that boundary of Intermacy I go nuts. I KNOW God exist and that he is all love. Well I want that love that satisfies all, and it drives me insane that I don't have it.

My struggle these past four days is a paradoxial struggle. Its like I love god so much that I let him go, and if he comes back then I will live with him forever. I only do this because I have confidence in his love for me. If he doesn't, then I'll pray to die. How can Life be lived without the all substancial love of God. I'll die if I do not know the REAL love of god for me. I prefer death compared to not having his love. I know he love me but I want him to let me experience it in a REAL way. It just drives me insane! I've Tripped!