I know the root of my distress - I want the best of both worlds. The world of the flesh and the world of the Spirit. It is very interesting how emotions effect an overriding of reason and right judgment in the human person. There is an even greater urge and stronghold for Lust when a person's spirit "Matches" or has a liking for such activity. Sometimes for these kinds of people it is extremely difficult to say no as compared to persons whose main liking is not Lust but maybe greed or anger. For them it is easier to say no for they have stronger wills in these areas.
My being has this weakness for lustful thoughts. And for persons who suffer from the same temptations as myself, they will understand what i mean when I say that I get into my thoughts.They play over and over again. In these moments, resisting makes the passions stronger. Everything touched or seen or heard is turned into a fantasy. Sin. What a Thing!
Now I am in this position because I have failed to obey instruction. I got myself into this mess (though these thought have not yet led me to sinful action) because was told to cast the object(someone) that causes me to sin aside but I am so very attached emotionally. I am doing the detachment but it takes longer for me than the appointed time that has already past. So I am still attached.
This morning I woke up with a dream of me flirting and kissing a person. Petting and exploring their limits into my kind of sin. Luring them in by my caresses. The previous day I indulged myself into the thoughts and sinned twice. This caused these desires. Do know what the root of these forbidden passions were? - my persistence in disobedience complimented with the cloak of secrecy.
What is the lesson here fellow Christian - Be Vigilant, Obey your Spiritual director and avoid the occasion of sin at all cost, namely by prayer.
Saint Anthony, on your holy feast day, may we as Christians imitate your way of preserving yourself from the most minute sin, in order to be one with Christ. Salus Credentium.