O Lord! This whole week, gone and present, has been tough and demanding. yet still I don't feel the pinch. Easter weekend was a High and a very Low for me. Did everything the church required and felt good. The low was that I did something really really stupid on Easter Sunday of all days, but this stupid act taught me something I needed to know, and it also made some people in my life closer to me. It confirmed some strengths within me, especially the need for secrecy, and my love for Bl. Virgin Mary. The Rosary in fact did save me from disaster because the thing I feared doing the most never came to past and I was preserved from falling into that particular sin. Praise Jesus and Mary! You know what happened instead? I GOT DRUNK! never in my life again!
I really don't know how people, after getting drunk the first time, get drunk a second, third, fourth and fifth time. They must really not love themselves! one is so vulnerable and out of mind! I was even afraid of choking on my vomit and dying while asleep! I will never do this to myself again. No matter how much I trust the people I am with. (and they were true)
It made me wonder of the state of other person's lives who are drunken daily. How they must be very depressed or troubled in their lives, those who do not know what true love is and therefore cannot stop willingly till they know love. This thought was a very sad thought. That some people so hate themselves. O God if they only knew Jesus, they would find the will power to change.
I blamed myself alot for many things when I was drunk, and my friends were mad at me for that because we all drank together. but I felt responsible. And talking about will power, I was, Easter Monday, saddened again by the lack of self control I have, and how I seemingly always fall into the occasion of sin willingly without obstruction. I was contemplating 'should I go to Jesus again? Trouble him again? - I was thinking of this when I was drunk too - I can't help myself at all or make any right decisions for myself. That is SUCH a Weight on my neck and shoulders to bear. You really get to know yourself when you begin to know god. And it is an intimidating feeling. When I was drunk i kept saying "Only Mary can save me! Only Mary can save me!" I just don't like to offend Jesus like this every time. I needed the love, prayer and protection of a Mother, The only love I truly knew.
In order to correct this lack of self control, I get stern with myself and undergo a lock down. I need to be disciplined to make the right choices I say. My priest already tells me that I must not fear myself because I do all of this as a result of fear, and his guidance and observations of me, not only in this aspect but also alot of aspects, is truthful and very hard to hear. Its like he's touching the 'soft spots' in my being and pointing them out to me. the places where, if people exploit it or know about it, they can devastate me easily. My flaws in being. And when I often am overcome by them, I am afraid of running to god because it is his laws I offend. I am afraid to go to him alone and beg for mercy. I need to go with someone whom he knows and is intermit with, some who knows him and has confidence that he will give mercy. And I choose Our Mother Mary.
I have confidence in the mercy of god and i know he does not refuse a repentant sinner but it is hard to admit guilt and ask forgiveness. I never regretted the day I read the Diary of Saint Faustina. I know god loves to show mercy, and he prefers it. And come this Divine Mercy Sunday (15th April, 2007) I will do every thing possible to adore and worship the Generous Mercy of God. In my next post I will expand on my week's experiences and lessons - Real commotion happening.