Hour of Grace for the world

For the first time in two years I was able to celebrate one of the feast days dearest to my heart - The Immaculate Conception, with holy Mass. It being a holy day of obligation. The only disappointment I had was that I had to work, and I was not able to renew my medal of the Immaculate Conception. If not, I would have been helping the Legion of Mary by doing some charity work. I for one did my part in making the hour of grace for the world, and the importance of that day known. Everything within my reach was done. I took two days to prepare an article about it, I emailed it to everyone in the institute, placed it on a public notice board, and everybody I met I shared the message boldly. God and Our Lady I trust was well pleased. For that I am happy.

After celebrating the Immaculate Conception, the dawn of salvation and first light as I call it, I now change focus to the no0n time of our salvation - Christmas.

Created In Secret - The North American Union, RFID chip

I just found out some very worrisome information on youtube. It is about the North American Union which apparently exist but is not publicized and secondly, is created to achieve a global objective set by corrupt men in power. Watch the video as it is very important for every citizen of the world to demand answers, and to be on guard for the lies of politicians. These are the real enemies of state, not religion nor the Catholic Church, but secularism, materialism, atheistic ideologies and the degradation of values through relativism, advocating of capital sins - Greed, Avarice, Pride, Selfishness, Soth, Lust and Anger.

What I do not find amazing is the remarkable similarity of structure this government, with the church's existing government. Historically the church has been wrongfully condemned and injured for this type of authority which in virtue is good when in the hands of god fearing men of faith and reason. These evil minded men really opposed this structure because they couldn't get a share in this power. They in reality were envious of this power like Cain's hatred for his brother Abel, so they persecute the church and condemn the pope!

The North American Union, RFID VChip Secret.

It is amazing how much this existing reality is painted for us in the movies "Star Wars" and "The Lord of the Rings"

Theology of the Body

This is just a simple account of how god works in everyday life and meets you where you are. I share it with you that you too may recognize his silent workings in your own life.

I can recognize the silent and opportune workings of god. Though I don't know what or why he is doing what he is doing, I feel secure to trust him. One such work of god was, on seeing my incumbent dispair over my particular sin lust, arranged that on Sunday gone, I and my Aspirant brothers attended a little talk about the vocation of marriage. It is fitting that when discerning the call to the priesthood we also discern his calling to the married life. But this was not the reason god had inspired me and arranged that I be there. His real reason was because he wanted me to receive confession after falling again into mortal sin.

My conscience was bothering me because if I went to holy mass, I wouldn't be able to receive communion. God wanted to fix that. He even provided for me a confessor that I admire, who is an exorcist and a well regarded Spiritan Father (Order of the Holy Ghost Fathers), Father Neil Rodriguez. I submitted to the spirit of love and mercy by continuing to journey in that spirit. Because lust dehumanizes a person (me) I gave serious thought to something I really wanted to study to help me understand my manhood and humanity, but have only since been brushing the surface - 'Theology of the Body'. Pope John Paul's counter - revolutionizing work on human sexuality. To facilitate this, I bought a beginners book by renowned author of the subject, Christopher West. Now I am in awe of the beautiful person I am. Made in God's image and likeness.

Facebook Horror

I am a frequent user of facebook and Hi5 Social Networks. But this flash presentation shocked me. It is very important that ALL FACEBOOK USERS WATCH THIS. All of your personal information is at risk and extremely vulnerable because of this network.

This information must reach the public!!!

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Me - The Loyalist

I took this test and this is what i got. I truly highlights alot about my personality and my needs more than wants. I encourage you to know more about yourselves too. The website and my results-

You Are 6: The Loyalist You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal.
People find you easy to love and care for.

You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises.
You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world.

At Your Best: You are courageous, a positive thinker, and expressive. You can take on the world.

At Your Worst: You are secretly insecure - which makes you sarcastic, cold, and argumentative.

Your Fixation: Doubt

Your Primary Fear: Abandonment

Your Primary Desire: Security and support

Other Number 6's: Mel Gibson, Woody Allen, Jay Leno, Marilyn Monroe, and Julia Roberts.

Traditional Anglican Communion Petitions Rome for Union

Finally unification is taking place among the protestant and catholic churches. I first heard about this from the spiritdaily.com website TAC has sent a petition for full union with the church on October 16th. I am amazed at the progress of unification! I remember Pope Benedict XVI was saying that his pontificate will focus on the unity of christians. It seems that this may come true in part for him and us. I Started to research and it seems to be true and in the making. The Vatican is supposed to give a response to them.

If this does happen, I am concerned about the effect it will have in our churches and among our priests. Our church is already in a crisis with not having enough priest and secondly, the catholic UNfaithful are becoming less catholic Christian and are abandoning the church. What impact will it have in the lives of both our members? A whole church would now need instruction in catholicism in know what we know, and come to trust what we believe.

I feel sorry for the war torn Anglican Church with all is chaos and confusion among everybody. researching answers for this TAC union, i was reading about the conflict and they all don't know what they stand for anymore. They have lost their identity through their compromising and they need some serious guidance to save that church. I am happy that the Anglican Church, at least the more catholic ones, are making the wise and righteous decisions for their own relief from this distress which they face, and are not accepting the diminishing future which that faith holds. Happy will they be who are converting to the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church which alone can say christ established. Read the articles yourselves - free republic, Virtual Online (the voice for Global Orthodox Anglicanism)

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Our Mistress Enters Ephesus

The Most Blessed Mary thanked the owners, who were to live with Her. Then She retired to her room and, prostrate upon the ground as was usual in her prayers, She adored the immutable essence of God, offering to sacrifice Herself in his service in the city (Ephesus) and saying:


"Lord God omnipotent, by the immensity of thy Divinity Thou fillest all the heavens and the earth (Jer. 23,34). I thy humble handmaid, desire to fulfill entirely thy holy will, on all occasions, in all places, and at all times, in which thy Providence shall deign to place me; for Thou art my only Good, my being and my life, and toward thy pleasure and satisfaction tend all my thoughts, words and actions"

The most prudent Mother perceived that the Lord accepted her prayer and her offering, and that He responded to her desires with divine power, ready to assist and govern Her always. - The Mystical City of God by Ven. Mary of Agreda Spain.

I encourage all to Imitate Mary by Imitating Her prayer. Print it, pray it, and memorize it.

The Imitation of Mary

Recently, I bought and began reading this well known book that was inspired by another well known book. It is The Imitation of Mary, and I would leave to your guess, which book inspired me to buy this book (clue - Change of names). So far, the book does not live up to my expectations, maybe because of the style, or because I don't have confidence in the author, or maybe because I am just to critical and scrutinizing of the teaching. This mostly I feel is the cause of me not enjoying the book. All this I know very well makes what is valuable seem repulsive.

What I do like is the simplicity of the book, and I think this is what makes it stand out. It focuses on the pennies of the gospel and of the graces in the life of our Blessed Mother; and so far, it has helped my walk in imitation of her who loved god most while on earth, and who loves him most intimately in heaven. I decided to share the first chapter of the first book with you, for your edification.

Imitation Of The Virtues Of The Blessed Virgin

Blessed those who do not abandon the way I have bidden them go! Blessed those who listen to what I tell them (Prov 8:32-33) and who follow the models of virtue I offer them.

In putting these words on the lips of Mary, the Church urges us to study the life of the Queen of Saints and to imitate her splendid example. Happy the man who imitates our Lady, for in imitating her he imitates Jesus, king and incomparable model of all virtues.

The Blessed Virgin's life contains lessons for everyone. If we study it, we learn how to live in prosperity and adversity, prayer and work, honours and humiliations. We shall never attain the perfection she brought to every action; but our perfection can be measured by our closeness to her.

You claim to be the servants of Mary: do you really what to become like her in her sublime holiness? Then imitate, as far as you can, her lively faith, her prompt obedience, her deep humility, her selfless intentions, her generous love. Is there anyone of you that cannot make it your aim, with the help of God;s grace, to follow Mary's example in the practice of these virtues: Without such imitation your love for her will be a weak thing indeed, and you cannot expect to receive evident proof of her special protection.

True enough, you recite daily prayers in her honour; you give external signs of your devotion to her; your belong to a society that is especially consecrated to her. And all this binds her to ask God for the saving graces you need. But if your devotion does not take you a step further and lead you to imitatte her virtues, then your devotion will not save you. The philistines took possession of the ark of the Lord and adorned it with their gifts. But the ark did not become a source of blessing for them, because they continued to adore their idols as before.

O Queen of all the virtues, is it not fitting that one who loves you should do for you what he does for his friends in this world? We try to adapt ourselves to our friends' character and to make their likes and dislikes our own. Such adaptation leads to a union of hearts. In fact, we may say that where there is no likeness there can be on friendship. Your heart, Blessed Virgin, is utterly humble, pure, submissive to God's will, and zealous for His interests. How can itbe united in the bonds of affectin to a heart that is pleasure-seeking, proud, unresigned to God's will, and without zeal for His glory?

The Apostle rightly says: "If you love me, then imitate me as I imitate Jesus" (1 Cor 4:16). If you are really my children (Mary says), then make your mother's spirit your own: the spirit of charity, peace, self-denial, and reverent love for God. Holy Virgin, from now on I will show you my loving devotion by imitationg your virtues. THere is no greate homage, no greater proof of love, that I can give.

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Observer Status

These past days I labeled 'Observer Status'.

You know how you feel when you feel like nothing is happening at this moment in your soul, yet you know god is shaping you with the currents of divine love? Fatherly love in particular? That is how I make sense of the silent working of god's action, god's Holy Spirit on me these days. I don't feel like I am on a spiritual high, nor do i feel low. I don't even feel like its a feeling. I imagine that I am in the abode of providence, and what ever happens to me is willed by god. The good and bad things of my day. And I had many.

First of all I was told by my boss to look for another job, mainly because of my irresponsible approach to work. When I was told this, I was calm and relaxed. Something that the average person would not be. I turned to god in prayer immediately, continuing my petition to him for a stable job. Of course it affected me, but I was not frantic and anxious like my usual disposition would be. On the inside was peaceful. I heard that I need to leave at the end of the year. Thank god for the extention.

On top of that my family and I need a house to relocate to at the end of the month, and we have found none as yet. With all of this I am calm and very trusting and hopeful. It must be god at work in me.

Please say a prayer for me and my family. Thanks alot for your support

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Chastity, Saint Rose

Today is a feast that is special to my heart. I love the place in which I live, and the patroness of my home town is Saint Rose of Lima. I naturally acquired a love for her who loved god. I completed my novena in hope of receiving what I prayed for because I am in dire need of it. Today I also did some naughty things which I corrected, when I could have done so, and where I chose not to avoid the occasion of sin, I ask for forgiveness. I tried not to worry about it, and moved on with life trusting in divine mercy.

Tomorrow I set out to a study on chastity for the weekend. I hope to learn something new. I pray god blesses my soul with the virtue of Chastity in the manner he blessed the Virgin Mary. Even if I decide to marry, I pray that I be chaste in some degree befitting that state. I remember the Venerable Mary of Agreda Spain, recording what the words of Our Lady in her book 'The Mystical City of God', Mary says that Chasity adorns all the rest of virtues giving them their brilliance. Can't remember her exact words.

My sins and temptations attack this virtue in me. I pray not to yield to temptation as I did today, against this virtue. May God preserve virtue in me as in Saint Rose.

Mary's Plan

Yesterday, I wanted to publish this which I read because it had me thinking about god's love and our mother's love for us, caring for us. I believe that it was divine will that I publish it today being the Feast of the Assumption of Mary. In my ignorance, I forgot yesterday, that today was this feast day until late evening. I even didn't go to holy Mass as I was supposed to this morning. This IS a disappointment to me. I plan to go adoration later this evening to celebrate and pray the 20 decades of the rosary in her honour. Anyway, I was reading from the book - "To The Priests, Our Lady's Beloved Sons" This is what I would like to share.

With Me Beneath The Cross
April 8, 1977

Good Friday

"Today, beloved sons, I am bringing you with me to Calvary; with me beneath the Cross of my Son, where I became your Mother.

Here I want to teach you to love.

There is no greater love than to give one's life for those whom one loves. Look at my Son Jesus who is dying on the Cross for you. He is dying because He is giving his life. He is giving his life out of love.
My mother's heart feels him dying and it is pierced by all his horrible agony.
My mother's love unites with his in loving you; my sons, learn from us always to love thus!

Here I want to teach you to suffer.

My son Jesus has become nothing other than the Man of Sorrows. He no longer bears resemblance to a man; He is crushed under the weight of suffering, cruelly beaten outraged, humiliated. He suffers without complaint; as gentle as a little lamb He is nailed to the Cross.
Behold the path along which I am calling you today: that of Calvary which you must tread with docility and meekness.
Do not seek to escape this trial; do not beg for human consolation. You will always find the heart of your Mother who will help you to say yes to the will of the Father.

Here I want to teach you to be silent.

The word of my Son is silent in these final moments. Now He speaks with his life. This is the supreme witness to the will of God.
Thus the last word of his life comes forth: a word of pardon for all and of complete abandonment to the Father.
Learn today especially to be silent. Create a silence within yourself in order to hear only his divine word.
Create silence about yourself. Do ont reply to the criticisms and the calumnies of him who does not accept you.
Give no answer to the sneers and the offenses of him who persecutes you. Judge no one.
In the momenst that await you, you will be called upon more and more to keep silent. YOu will speak by your life. And for you too, from this life of yours on the cross, will come forth the word of love for all men and of complete abandonment ot the will of the Father."

____________________________________________________________________

Because she used the title Man of Sorrows to refer to Jesus, I am making it to refer to Jesus as such. We call Mary the Mother of Sorrows, so I thought I would be nice to call Jesus thus.

St.John Gabriel Perboyre's Prayer

This prayer has been an almost daily prayer of for me since the day I found it in February? at Saint Quote of the Day's Blog. I must confess and testify that that prayer has strengthened me with the graces necessary for perseverance in self-abandonment, self-denial, and conversion of heart. It has helped re-enforce my will to speak or do the righteous word or deed.

I printed it with the martyr saint, and placed it directly above my mirror with the Divine Mercy Picture below it. Every day I would generally see it and would pray it. Today though I didn't pray it because I did not visit the mirror long enough to glance at it (Instead, I went to morning Mass).

I would like to share with all this Prayer to preserve the line of graces shared by the blog's authors. Let us also seek the intersession of that Martyr Saint, Saint John Gabriel Perboyre.

O my Divine Savior,
Transform me into Yourself.
May my hands be the hands of Jesus.
Grant that every faculty of my body
May serve only to glorify You.

Above all,
Transform my soul and all its powers
So that my memory, will and affection
May be the memory, will and affections
Of Jesus.

I pray You
To destroy in me all that is not of You.
Grant that I may live but in You, by You and for You,
So that I may truly say, with Saint Paul,
"I live - now not I - But Christ lives in me.

--Saint John Gabriel Perboyre

I have hope

These have been very hard for me. I have been struggling with the temptation to despair and give up hope. Praise god for god. By grace I have not. Hope has been my companion.

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Ok. I must admit that I took extremely long to find the correct combinations to solve this problem. I got it from http://www.robmathiowetz.com/ using stumbleupon toolbar. People, this thing hurt my brain. And you know what the embrassing thing is, Its so easy. Its a nice Brain Teaser. Enjoy.

Japanese IQ Test

Apparently this is an IQ test given to job applicants in Japan

"Everybody has to cross the river"

To play, click the link below, then click the blue circle to start.

The following rules apply:

• Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
• The father can not stay with any of the daughters, without their mother's presence
• The mother can not stay with any of the sons, without their father's presence
• The thief (striped shirt) can not stay with any family member, if the Policeman is not there
• Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft

To move the people click on them. To move the raft click on the pole on the opposite side of the river.

** CLICK TO BEGIN **

God Tube video i liked

Bible vs. Mammon very nice. Go Godtube.com

Opposing Forces

How do you keep your Sanity when you what to do something wrong? How when you've reached the egde of right into wrong, health into sickness, you safeguard yourself from something you know will hurt your spirit and chip away at your determination and desire for holiness? Why is that what is not good for us in the long run, appeals to us the most. Why does sin have to feel SOOO good?

The book of Wisdom in the bible tells me that perverse thoughts separate people from god. The saints tell us that lust brings down the soul quicker than the other six deadly sins. And the Virgin Mary at Fatima Portugal tells us that most people go to hell for sins of the flesh than any other sin. Is it this knowledge, trusting in faith and hope and love, that makes me what to resist my temptations also?

What a strain it is for me to keep holding on to these two opposing forces in me. It is beginning to rip me apart to the reaches of madness in my mind. I am afraid of giving myself over to one of these extremes entirely for the fear of not having an opportunity to escape. I have never given myself over entirely to anyone or anything in my life because of Trust, yet, these two forces want me to give myself over to their promptings. To God's way of peace and righteousness, caring for each other in love, or Evil's way of destruction and selfishness. Caring only for self and living without morality and faith like wild animals.

I have chosen informally the way I want to take. But, saying no to self is very very hard. I can't yet give myself over to him who loves me most. BECAUSE of fear. In time, love will prevail. I hope in it. If a man lives, but lives without love, he is dead. I am not dead. His divine love in me will conquer my weaknesses and have me for himself.

May His Holy Spirit Live Forever In The Hearts Of Men.

It is he who makes us keep our sanity when we feel insane. He works so quietly!?

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Changing Perspective

God is Calling. I can recognize him calling me from the actions which is happening to me in my soul. I am growing up so things need to change in my life. I just completed my Aspirancy programme and i still have not made any decision about anything firmly save my determination to be faithful to the littlest things. I am going to adopt a contemplative lifestyle to allow god to do his work but what my priest whats of me I think involves Centering Prayer. And unknown to him, that is something I am against because it is anti-christian though it seems to be christian. So what i am going to do is learn more about this centering prayer and its origins before I confront him and say I am not going to do that method of prayer.

One must learn to forget oneself in order to have oneself. I know this only in my head but I don't live it. So what i am going to do is learn to live it. I am going to come out of the spotlight of everybody else, and myself, scrutinizing me and I am going to let God work in silence like how he does it with the plants; it grows in silence, unknown and unseen. Going to do away with anxiety and fear, what I can and cannot do, and allow the god mend me. Going to stop leading myself because I obviously do not know the way to happiness.

The Calling

I was thinking, "What will capture the heart of a woman?" and immediately I said "Poetry!"

What is there that's better than poetry, to express in words the love for another person? I mean, so much can be said with so little. The symbols of language is really something. Then I said to myself, "What is better than that to express love of god?" I have heard of the high recommendations of people who have studied the insights of Saint John of the Cross on God's Love for the soul, and all his works in the soul in his book, 'The Ascent to Mount Carmel' and 'The Dark Night of the Soul' where he uses poetry to explain this love.

Isn't there a whole book in the bible where god speaks to us in poetry? And in it his beloved is a woman? Oh my, my heart just pulsates when I think of the figurative meaning of words when one speak though poetry! Whoever has that talent is truly blessed. He can shape basic language into exquisite sculptures. So great a marvel is poetry that when sung, it is further glorified and reaches the soul. Though it is sufficient enough to reach that place alone.

Well I have a piece of poetry that I would share that was truly inspired by my love for god, and god's love for me.

The Calling

In stillness, I sit among wonders of creation,
On a bank so moist with tropical grasses
Savoring the one who is closest to me.

I look to the sky and wonder at thy beauty,
Contemplating twas the same hand that shaped me.
I close my eyes and look within, my soul's beloved I want to pin
I am restless with love in the darkness I see.
Why doest thou love do this to me?

This silence of words so sweet it be
A shadow of substance, overpowering me.
I open my eyes only veiled thing I see,
What must it be, to be totally free!

I am the beloved of my beloved
Then I hear a whisper of yearning
"It is you I want, be with me"
I am now dead to the earth and sky
My answer takes alot from me.

Our Interest, The Devil's Intrested.

Just a little something I found on the Net. Really funny, yet not funny in reality

My Discussion

My day started off badly as a result of an argument I had yesterday. For yet another time I got into an argument concerning religion. The topics, Hell and the Saints. What got me so upset? - I fumbled when answering the questions. I could explain myself. First discussion was about the Saints. I believe in the Saints. That is unquestionable. But to explain that to a Protestant, who believes in the Bible Alone philosophy and not both Scripture and Teachings from the Holy Spirit (Tradition), is difficult. To top that off I don't know my scripture word for word, verse for verse.

Her defense was the usual with protestants - Go to god and god alone, When people are dead you can't pray to/ask them for help even if they are in heaven, Because Jesus in the only mediator you go to him etc.

They don't understand that nothing separates us from the love of God, not even death. That we are one family of god and when you love, you show love by doing good for others. Their prayer is more effective than our own because of their intermacy. They no longer need to believe because they see face to face the glory of god. Now when I am sick, I call a doctor. It is god who sends the doctor as he sends angels to do his works. Can I not ask the doctor for help? Should I humiliate him by saying you cannot help me though god sent you?

God works through others. No less so when in Heaven. Their prayer is more effective and more powerful than our own because their relationship!

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Love or Lust?

When you see your honey, it's Puppy Love

Is It Love or Lust? Brought to you by Tickle

I took this test and My result was "Puppy Love". I was kind of concerned about my relationship with a good good friend of mine, but we were not in any relationship outside that of friendship, but we're very close. So I was kind of concerned that though I love this person, I may really be trying to lie to myself and say it was love alone and not lust. I wanted to know which side was leaning heavier in me. And what the results were true. This is what it read -

Don't look now, but you just might be in love. It's hard to tell for sure — you've got an awful lot of lustful thoughts whirling around in your brain — but we think hearts and poems are part of the agenda, too. Sure, you're pretty much ready to jump your honey any time of day or night, but you wouldn't bother sticking around if you didn't think there was some kind of potential there.

You want it all — passion, excitement, tenderness, and a best friend to boot. We applaud you. There's nothing better than the perfect mix of lust and love. The former jumpstarts a relationship and helps keep it fresh and fun, and the latter means there's something left after the "right here, right now" phase passes. So get your kicks while you can, but hold on for the long run!

In life you can make your own decisions or let other people make those decisions for you. Being Above The Influence is about staying true to yourself, and not letting people pressure you into being less than you. So be yourself. Or be something less. It's your call.

Thank You Father For Relief

O How good is the lord towards me. I hid my face from him saying I will no longer look upon his face to see his love and beauty, to even find happiness, and it was he who took me into his hands, pursued me till my love for him was found again. "I thought I had toiled in vain, and for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength. Yet my reward is with the LORD, my recompense was with my God." I grew tired of carrying my sins and imperfections so enormous; he saw my distress and he came to my help. He was with me as I seeked to save my soul from damnation. I was Justified as being righteous and blameless in the sight of god through the Sacraments of the Church. I have received my living water which quenches my thirst!

I must give thanks to god for today, yesterday and Saturday. During these days, I was shown Mercy confirming that truly I cannot leave the love of God even if I try. Life is Better and more meaningful with him.

While feeling down because of my distress, I made the effort again to look to god for a remedy. Feeling embarassed at myself, I trusted god's generosity of mercy and presented my failings to him. On friday wanting to make peace with god I arranged to do some charity work on Saturday. This was me yielding to god, giving God the opportunity to speak to me as I do his work through our soup Kitchen ministry. 12 good deeds/blessings came as a result of my decision to serve in love. To god be the glory.

I received food for my journey plagued with the heat of the sun and a barren desert. My feet are scorched but god provided a time of soothing relief. He lead me beside the still waters and restored my soul. I can at last continue patiently and perseveringly bear my cross.

Keeping secrets

Simon of Cyrene always helps me carry my cross. Yesterday, I had a talk with my priest. Not surprisingly I told him the state of my soul even though I didn't want to tell him. I realize what St. Therese was saying about keeping secrets and trying to work out problems on your own is a trap of Satan. We all have problems and when we keep it to ourselves it grows like a seed hidden in the earth. Lets not keep things from our confessors. We should listen to Saint James when he saids "Confess your sins to one another"

Fallen Away, Hiding and Seeking

Gravity pulls and quickly I fall by the wayside. I have hidden my face from god for this time of struggle, hoping that his love for me will blind me, pulling me out of the depths of sin. I have altered my stance in life that now I have stopped searching and have begun to run in the opposite direction. Not searching, only observing. I am trying to rid myself from the grip of fear; mainly the fear of oneself. I have not abandoned god, instead, I put myself in a position that I no longer try to be saved so that god, if he loves me, would act. My yearning for god have reached the point of Insanity. I search elsewhere for it. How dare I do such a thing as walk away from god and dare him to love me?!

I blame the spirit of Lust for pushing me so low. I blame myself for allowing him to do so. I ask god to save me from that stain of sin which makes me desire evil things over good things. I tell myself, If god loves me, he will save me. I have searched everywhere. I have found him yes but I want more of him, and because I can't cross that boundary of Intermacy I go nuts. I KNOW God exist and that he is all love. Well I want that love that satisfies all, and it drives me insane that I don't have it.

My struggle these past four days is a paradoxial struggle. Its like I love god so much that I let him go, and if he comes back then I will live with him forever. I only do this because I have confidence in his love for me. If he doesn't, then I'll pray to die. How can Life be lived without the all substancial love of God. I'll die if I do not know the REAL love of god for me. I prefer death compared to not having his love. I know he love me but I want him to let me experience it in a REAL way. It just drives me insane! I've Tripped!

Human Passions

My skin is hot and burning with passion right now. I cannot think straight without thinking about sex. These thoughts and feelings of mine betray my character because in the eyes of the beholder, Matthew cannot be thinking about these things so often and passionately. I mean if someone for one day has the grace or curse to be in my shoes for a while say one week, they might just go crazy.

I know the root of my distress - I want the best of both worlds. The world of the flesh and the world of the Spirit. It is very interesting how emotions effect an overriding of reason and right judgment in the human person. There is an even greater urge and stronghold for Lust when a person's spirit "Matches" or has a liking for such activity. Sometimes for these kinds of people it is extremely difficult to say no as compared to persons whose main liking is not Lust but maybe greed or anger. For them it is easier to say no for they have stronger wills in these areas.

My being has this weakness for lustful thoughts. And for persons who suffer from the same temptations as myself, they will understand what i mean when I say that I get into my thoughts.They play over and over again. In these moments, resisting makes the passions stronger. Everything touched or seen or heard is turned into a fantasy. Sin. What a Thing!

Now I am in this position because I have failed to obey instruction. I got myself into this mess (though these thought have not yet led me to sinful action) because was told to cast the object(someone) that causes me to sin aside but I am so very attached emotionally. I am doing the detachment but it takes longer for me than the appointed time that has already past. So I am still attached.

This morning I woke up with a dream of me flirting and kissing a person. Petting and exploring their limits into my kind of sin. Luring them in by my caresses. The previous day I indulged myself into the thoughts and sinned twice. This caused these desires. Do know what the root of these forbidden passions were? - my persistence in disobedience complimented with the cloak of secrecy.

What is the lesson here fellow Christian - Be Vigilant, Obey your Spiritual director and avoid the occasion of sin at all cost, namely by prayer.

Saint Anthony, on your holy feast day, may we as Christians imitate your way of preserving yourself from the most minute sin, in order to be one with Christ. Salus Credentium.

Spirituality of Living in God

Today while travelling to work I said to myself, - you know Matthew, God is fading away as the main person in my life. The one which engulfs my every thought and desire. Cause in my thoughts there is mainly one person and its not him the lover for the beloved. These days I am more occupied with the love of human beings. This, love that will not last nor satisfy my craving for love - the main characteristic of manhood. So I said. Give God his due now. Don't call that person now and prayer your morning prayer which you put aside Matthew to talk to this person and pray that now. At least.

So I did; and on my second journey to work still began to read the next chapter of my "Spiritual Reading" From the Book, The Joy of Full Surrender, praying that this would be an aid to my examination of conscience. I would like to share this, for it watered the seeds of faith, hope and love in me.

Chapter 1
When The Soul Lives in God

There is a time when the soul lives in god and a time when God lives in the soul. What is appropriate to one of these times is not fitting to the other.

When the soul lives in God, it must take trouble to obtain for itself regularly and carefully every possible means to achieve union with him. The whole procedure is marked out - the readings, the examination of conscience, the resolutions. Its guide is always present, everything is by rule, even the hours for conversation.

When God lives in the soul, it has nothing left of self, but only that which the Spirit imparts to it moment by moment. Nothing is provided for the future, no road is mapped out, but the soul is like a child who can be led wherever one pleases, and has nothing but feeling to distinguish between what is offered to it. No more books with marked passages for these souls; often they are even deprived of a regular spiritual director, for God allows them no other support than himself. They dwell in darkness, forgotten and deserted, in death and nothingness. They suffer distresses and miseries without knowing where to find relief. Keeping their eyes toward Heaven alone, they wait peacefully and without fear for help to come. And God, who seeks no purer disposition in His loved ones than this entire surrender of self-interest in order to live by grace and divine operation alone, provides them with the necessary books, thoughts, self-understanding, advice and wise counsel. Everything that others discover by diligent searching these souls find in self-surrender. What others store up with care so they can find it again, these souls receive the very moment there is need of it, and afterwards the relinquish it again, taking only what God is willing to give, in order to live through Him alone.

Others undertake an infinity of good works for the glory of God, but these souls are often cast aside in a corner of the world like bits of broken crockery, apparently of no use to anyone. There these souls, forsaken by men but enjoying God with a very real,, true and passionate, though deeply tranquil love, attempt nothing by their own impulse. They know only that they must surrender themselves and remain in god's hands to be used by Him as He pleases. Often they do not know of what use they might be, but God knows well. The world considers them of no account, but it is nonetheless true that in mysterious ways and through hidden channels these souls spread abroad an infinite amount of grace on persons who often are unaware of them, people of whom these souls may themselves be unaware.

In these surrendered souls everything effectively preaches the Good News of the gospel. God gives their silence, their quiet, their self-forgetfulness, their words and their gestures a certain virtue, which, unknown to themselves, works in the hearts of those around them; and, just as they are guided by the random actions of innumerable creatures that are unknowingly influenced by grace, they themselves, in their turn, are used to support and guide others without any direct acquaintance with them or knowledge that this is what they are doing.

It is God who works in them in unforeseen and often unknown impulses. In this way they are like Jesus, from whom went out a secret virtue for the healing of others. There is this difference between Him and them: often they are not conscious of the outflow of this virtue and contribute nothign by way of co-operation. It is like a hidden balm which men perceive without recognizing, and which is itself unaware of its own healing virtue

My Miracle on the Job

Oh what a day! Its been a while since i blogged but today made me want to write.

I challenged the authority of my boss' position on a matter that could cost me my job. And boy was I scared at first. I entreated the lord and he answered in my favour but I still have to face the lurking wrath of the wounded beast. Here's the story -



Job and Church clashed for the first time. And it was ugly. My weekends are committed to Christ and personal development and my normal working hours are Monday - Friday. This Saturday coming, the 2nd June, I needed to be at The office because of exams since my boss was out of the country for ten days. I didn't think that it would have been a problem to compromise the first half of this weekend's agenda with my job's agenda and I was informed yesterday that I was wrong. I had to make the choice between my commitment to my job or the commitment to the Aspirancy programme. If i chose one over the other, the threat was that the other would suffer. I would lose my job or not complete the programme.



upon telling my boss this morning since i only knew that it was a problem yesterday, she issued the treat of serious disciplinary action as stated. This made me cry agonizingly. It all boiled down to the question where do your priorities lie and choose such? And to call my boss in barbados and inform her of my weighty decision.



I locked the office door for ten minutes and prayed the Chaplet of Tears with my own added tears before I looked to engage my next move - to overrule my boss by going directly to the Executive director. To make a long story short, I was successful in my plea. upon hearing of this my boss became even more upset and promises to discipline me when she returns, but I am not worried. God worked it all out in my favour thus far and the word was final. I can't lose my job over an incident which could be avoided easily.



The lesson - Put your trust in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, Our god of Providence and His plans for you will come through. Nothing is impossible with god! Hope also on the power of intersession from the Mary Most Holy and God will hastily answer.

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Talent Show Lesson

Today, I sung Josh Groban's 'Remember When it rained' For a Talent Show. Boy was i nervous. And that song I couldn't imitate moves because the song naturally has no movements to it. I found the strength to sing in front of an audience. Something i don't usually do. I nearly always dislike publicity. Yet I thank god that everything came through. Not exactly as I wanted because I was nervous, Yet I didn't 'Buss' as we say in Trinidad.

When preparing to come on stage, i recalled how as Christians we are the ones to be under scrutiny because of our life of Holiness. And how often we end up in the public eyes. I also pondered the challenge for a man to stand up for the truth and win the people's favour and reasoning. This must be an arduous thing

Why Full Surrender? - Chap. 12, Finding The Will of God

If we are able to greet each passing moment as themanifestation of the will of God, we will find in it all our heart can desire. What could there be more reasonable, more perfect, more divine than the will God? could any change of time or place or ccircumstance alter or increase its infinite value? If you possess the secret of discovering it at every moment and in everything, then you possess all that is most precious and worthy to be disired. What is iit that you seek, you who desire to become holy? Give full scope to your longings. Your wishes need have no measure, no limit. However much you may desire, I can show you how to attain it, even though it be infinite. There is never a moment i which I cannot enable you to obtain al lthat you can desire.

The Present moment is always filled with infinite treasure. It contains more than you have the capacity to hold. Faith is the measure of these treasures; according to your faith you will receive. The will of God is constantly before you like an immense, inexhaustible ocean that no human heart can fathom; but none can receive from it more than he has the capacity to contain. It is necessary to enlarge this capacity by faith, confidence and love.

The whole universe cannot fill the human heart, for its capacity is greater than anything other than God. It is on a highter plane than the material creation, andfor this reason nothing material can satisfy it. The divine will is a deep sea, the surface of which is the present moment. If you plunge into this sea you will find it infinitely more vast than your desires. Offer no homage to creatures;do not adore your own illusions. They can neither give you anything nor deprive you of anything. Receive your fullness from the will of God alone, and it will not leave you empty. Adore it, put it first, before all things. Tear all disguises from vain pretenses and forsake them all going straight to the sole realityy. The reign of faith is death to the senses; it is their spooilation, their destruction. The senses worship the physical. Faith adores God's divine will. Destroy the idols of the senses and they will weep andn rebel, but faith must triumph, becasue the will of God cannot be separated from it. When the senses are terrified, famished, despoiled or crushed, then it is that faith is enriched and nourished. Faith laughs at these calamities as the commander of an impregnable fortress mocks at the useless attacks of an impotent foe.

When we recognize the will of God and surrender entirely to it, then God gives Himself to us and we experience the most powerful assistance in all difficulties. Thus we enjoy great happiness in this comin gof God, and the more we learn to surrender ourselves to His all adorable will at every moment, the more joy we have.

-

Jean~Pierre de Caussade,
The Joy of Full Surrender
revised translation by Hal M. Helms

Missionaries

"Missionaries plant seeds of love that help countless hearts to grow."

- Now doesn't this remind us of the WHOLE life of Blessed Mother Theresa?

Christ has no hands but yours

Christ has no body but yours,

No hands, no feet on earth but yours.

Yours are the eyes through which he looks,

Compassion on this world.

Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good.

yours are the hands whith which He blesses all the world.

Yours are the hands

Yours are the feet

Yours are the eyes

you are His body.

Christ has no body

now but yours,

No hands, no feet on earth but yours.

Yours are the eyes

through which He looks,

Compassion on this world.

Yours are the feet whith which

He walks to do good.

Christ has no body

now on earth but yours.

- Saint Theresa of Avila

What a Funny thing! I didn't realize that Saint Theresa wrote this and I was Firstly reminded of Another Theresa, Mother Theresa.

The psalm that speaks to my soul

From the Instruction of my priest, I have to obey and pray my morning prayer for at least twenty minutes before I begin my day. Today It began with a rough start. I prayed it. But on my way to work. It therefore took the usual place of my rosary time. In our Morning and Evening Prayer Book which the Catholic Church gives us for each day of the week and church seasons of the year, Today's Liturgy captivated my attention. For the lenght of the day I carried this scripture in my mind and heart pondering it there like Mary for the rest of the day. Consciously or Sub-Consciously. This scripture - Why are you cast down, my soul, why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him still, my saviour and my God - Spoke to me. I guess the Psalm was telling me persevere and be full of cheer. Purifying my soul is a cross that must be carried, so keep at it Matthew.

Psalm 41

Like the deer that yearns

for running streams,

so my sou is yearning

for you my God.

My soul s thirsting for God,

the god of my life;

when can I enter and see

the face of God?

My tears have become my bread,

by night, by day,

as I hear it said all the day long:

'Where is your God?'

These things will I remember

as I pour out my soul:

how I would lead the rejoicing crowd

into the house of the God,

amid cries of gladness and thanksgiving,

the throng wild with joy.

Why are you cast down, my soul,

why groan within me?

Hope in God; I will praise him still,

my saviour and my God.

My soul is cast down within me

as I think of you,

from the country of Jordan and Mount Hermon,

from the Hill of Mizar.

Deep is calling on deep,

in the roar of waters:

your torrents and all your waves

swept over me.

By day the Lord will send

his loving kindness;

by night I will sing to him,

praise the god of my life.

I will say to god, my rock:

'Why have you forgotten me:

Why do I go mourning

oppressed by the foe?'

With cries that pierce me to the heart,

my enemies revile me,

saying to me all the day long:

'Where is your God?'

Why are you cast down, my soul,

why groan within me?

Hope in god; I will praise him still,

My saviour and my God.

good things

Very busy week. Good things are happening like crazy. I am now Stable at my job. I remember more clearly and I am in a better position in my spiritual life. In my last post, I wanted to write down something from this book I am reading as a spiritual reading for the year - Why full surrender - It caught my attention when I read it some days ago and I needed to share it with you but I purposely forgot because I was packing for my second aspirancy weekend. I actually came to work with One BIG bag of clothes. thank god no one saw. lol. going to enjoy this life in the spirit. Namely the spirit of obedience over the weekend.

Internet

This Internet access is just fueling temptation for a man overcoming a porn addiction! Alas I am not lost, for St. Anthony helps to strenghten me.

1. An Update. 2. Original Pain Therapy

Today I see the counselor. In my eyes I am pretty ok now, after relaxing myself over the weekend, and hand another important chat with my priest. Though I feel this way, I could still like to use some advice from a psychologist's perspective. I thank Saint Anthony for his prayers and his presence today, since it was yesterday that I completed my Novena. I have indeed become stronger and more stable in my spiritual life and in my workplace. As I write this post, I feel like watching pornography because of a lustful advertisement and some blogs which I browsed. I am feeling the heat of the sin but I am not venturing into the fire. This strength of resisting temptation is improved but I still feel that I need help.

I am glad that I am getting over those two months of frustration and anxiety over myself because it was not a nice feeling. Over weekend again, In the Aspirancy Programme for discerning my vocation, the group of us ventured into Original Pain Therapy. This is a special therapy that deals with childhood pains from the womb till the age of 12 (the end of childhood). I can't wait to do the next session because we started to venture into ourselves. I recommend this to every person. Everybody has issues in their lives that has its roots in childhood like myself that needs to be soughted out to free the adult.

God Our Father

I Love God My Father! for today he has saved me from loneliness and sorrow. He raised me up when i couldn't reach him anymore of my own effort. He came to me bring relief of body and soul. He came to me to make my life easier to bear.

I speak like this because for the past two days, i couldn't find the love to love. Even to love myself. I had just got suspended from my job for a day because of excessive mistakes with my work which i thought was so perfectly done in February. These errors haunted me and made my boss angry and very disappointed in me. What made the situation worst was my boss would have gotten into ton loads of trouble if an assessment of our department was done this semester since the institute is becoming accredited. This would have been because of my fault.

This was on Tuesday. That night I cried like a baby. I just didn't know what to do with myself since everything that seemed like my fault. not just work but everything. I need to see Jesus now now. I live not too far from a church which I remembered have whole day adoration. So late in the night around 9.20 I dressed myself and headed down to the church. there I weeped silently restraining my groaning as I addressed Jesus sacramentally present. Couldn't cry as I wanted because I was not alone. After finishing, I was more at ease with my pains.

Yesterday, at home, thinking about my life, God the father came to me. I needed a father so I yielded to his inspiration. I read the Messages from the only known and church approved Apparition of God the Father to Mother Eugenia Elisabetta Raviso?. After reading such a soothing love note to my person, God raised me, urging me to remember my dignity of being called his child. And as his child he deserves the right to serve me. He yearns to be with me in my troubles and rescue me from sadness, because his love cannot stand idle and indifferent while his child suffers. God our Father is the Best of Fathers. He reminded be that my reward for loving him and letting him love me would be great in heaven, and that I would be blessed because I believed without seeing.

These Messages of god entitled "The Father Speaks To His Children" was like drinking icy cold water under desert sun temperatures. It was like my soft comfortable bed after a tiresome day. I was absorbed into the moment of spending time with my father who loves me and do not want me to be afraid.

I encourage everyone to read these messages meant for all of us individually, since in my own estimation, many people do not know of these apparitions, more less, the messages. Its like an undiscovered treasure of riches. A secret that NEEDS TO BE TOLD.

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Saint Anthony of Padua

I remember my priest telling me some time ago that St. Anthony, instead of him running away from god when he had plenty problems, He ran to god instead. Hearing this brought me some encouragement to run to god with my problems. Yesterday I was fighting up with myself to go to god and I was saying/praying desperately - "Lord, now you stretch out your hand to help me. I can't can reach out anymore. It is you that need to catch me, I'm unable to continue the journey and reach out anymore. Lord Jesus HELP ME. I am losing myself to myself, drowning in my misery!"



It was then that I thought that I should do a novena to one of those saints who were sinners like myself and at the end of it all inherited heaven. And I remembered what my priest said. I feel like I need a saintly male figure or a Saintly man's prayer for help because some of my problems were of masculine origins. . I narrowed it down to my patron saints to which I have five - St. Simeon (from confirmation), Matthew, Anthony, and Peter because those were my names, and St. Martin de Porres because his intersession healed me at a time in my life. Right now I am juggling between the St. Martin de Porres and St. Anthony of Padua, and I have a feeling that I would choose St. Anthony because his feast day is in June.



I took the time yesterday to write in my journal all my burdens because I want to remember what I am shouldering these passing days; I have the hope that these days of darkness would pass though my faith is dimming as I would estimate. I am praying that I make the right choices for the direction of my life, as 2007 is my year of DECISION. I did not designate this but it was my priest. I have so much to lose if I decide wrongly, One MONSTER skeleton among many in the closet and if they get out or I take them out, it would be a messy situation for me. I want to be free from fear and failure and live happily, Certain that in suffering, I become a better man and draw closer to god. THAT is my ultimate goal!

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Aspirancy Programme

My week of uncertainty is finally coming to a close. This past week i have been anxious about the situation at my job because my boss was getting annoyed when my incapabilities was showing itself. And I would understand why because if i was her, I probably would too.

This weekend gone as well, I finally started this new programme called the Aspirancy programme that was geared towards a deeper discernment of the call to the priesthood. It is structured to be something like a seminary life experience but the difference is that it would last three months and we would continue to live how we live now, with regards to our jobs and commitments. Wasn't particularly excited when the directors said that the group of us were to begin a mission in the village of Guayaguayare (Amerindian Name).

I was thinking to myself- I am not in a position or state of mind and body to do this. I am going through a little crisis of my own and i am being called to a mission. again. now?- That was the last thing on my mind but I suspected that the programme would have had a mission intertwined.

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Getting Tough

God is really is working in my life. This I know because hard times are coming. Some things that he is doing is hard to accept though I know that I must 'play along'. Two things I realize is happening right now. that god is preparing me for my desert experience where i must depend on him and him alone. This mind you is my prayer being answered. a difficult prayer being answered. My focus is forced to change and that is exactly how I want it to be. Let me give some examples.

1. I looked for love and affection from people, and god is allowing those people to care less about loving me.
2. I am having trouble taking control of my life, and my director tells me that we need some time-off.
3. I love my friends lot and now because of my director leaving, the majority of them will be visited less frequently.
4. I am about to enter into and 'Aspirancy Programme' which practically is a structured programme for men interested in the priesthood to be in a formation / discernment environment.

I was disappointed a little for the Octave of Easter, but this Mercy Sunday I made it my duty to cry like a baby, and present my brokeness finally in totality before god. No longer am I going to worry about my inabilities and vulnerabilities. I take it to Jesus, entrusting myself to him and his mercy.

I consider Divine Mercy Sunday a second Easter Sunday or Good Friday, because thats the day not a single flood gate of heaven is closed as Jesus has said in the Diary of St. Faustina.

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Busy Week. The Mercys Thereof

O Lord! This whole week, gone and present, has been tough and demanding. yet still I don't feel the pinch. Easter weekend was a High and a very Low for me. Did everything the church required and felt good. The low was that I did something really really stupid on Easter Sunday of all days, but this stupid act taught me something I needed to know, and it also made some people in my life closer to me. It confirmed some strengths within me, especially the need for secrecy, and my love for Bl. Virgin Mary. The Rosary in fact did save me from disaster because the thing I feared doing the most never came to past and I was preserved from falling into that particular sin. Praise Jesus and Mary! You know what happened instead? I GOT DRUNK! never in my life again!

I really don't know how people, after getting drunk the first time, get drunk a second, third, fourth and fifth time. They must really not love themselves! one is so vulnerable and out of mind! I was even afraid of choking on my vomit and dying while asleep! I will never do this to myself again. No matter how much I trust the people I am with. (and they were true)

It made me wonder of the state of other person's lives who are drunken daily. How they must be very depressed or troubled in their lives, those who do not know what true love is and therefore cannot stop willingly till they know love. This thought was a very sad thought. That some people so hate themselves. O God if they only knew Jesus, they would find the will power to change.

I blamed myself alot for many things when I was drunk, and my friends were mad at me for that because we all drank together. but I felt responsible. And talking about will power, I was, Easter Monday, saddened again by the lack of self control I have, and how I seemingly always fall into the occasion of sin willingly without obstruction. I was contemplating 'should I go to Jesus again? Trouble him again? - I was thinking of this when I was drunk too - I can't help myself at all or make any right decisions for myself. That is SUCH a Weight on my neck and shoulders to bear. You really get to know yourself when you begin to know god. And it is an intimidating feeling. When I was drunk i kept saying "Only Mary can save me! Only Mary can save me!" I just don't like to offend Jesus like this every time. I needed the love, prayer and protection of a Mother, The only love I truly knew.

In order to correct this lack of self control, I get stern with myself and undergo a lock down. I need to be disciplined to make the right choices I say. My priest already tells me that I must not fear myself because I do all of this as a result of fear, and his guidance and observations of me, not only in this aspect but also alot of aspects, is truthful and very hard to hear. Its like he's touching the 'soft spots' in my being and pointing them out to me. the places where, if people exploit it or know about it, they can devastate me easily. My flaws in being. And when I often am overcome by them, I am afraid of running to god because it is his laws I offend. I am afraid to go to him alone and beg for mercy. I need to go with someone whom he knows and is intermit with, some who knows him and has confidence that he will give mercy. And I choose Our Mother Mary.

I have confidence in the mercy of god and i know he does not refuse a repentant sinner but it is hard to admit guilt and ask forgiveness. I never regretted the day I read the Diary of Saint Faustina. I know god loves to show mercy, and he prefers it. And come this Divine Mercy Sunday (15th April, 2007) I will do every thing possible to adore and worship the Generous Mercy of God. In my next post I will expand on my week's experiences and lessons - Real commotion happening.

Vultus Christi Blog

One of the Best Catholic Blogs Ever belongs to Vultus Christi and not only that. Fr. Mark its author clearly chooses the most remarkable pictures. This is a must "add to links" selection

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A Tool For Battle

The Holiest week for the christian is here. Finally the greatest season for me is approaching, the season where there is so many Feast days. Easter Season. Being faithful to the good Lenten practices has been a challenge. But it all boils down to this. The death of our lord and the Three day liturgy. My God how i love my country Trinidad and Tobago. Good Friday and Easter Monday are Holidays and that means ReAL people 'hitting de beach'. Four days of no work!

I am and have been struggling to keep my thoughts and actions pure for this holy week and seriously hope and pray that I do nothing foolish or regretful over this long weekend. And I think i know the answer to keep it so. The Rosary! I just finished reading an exciting, piety driven document on the rosary by Pope Leo XIII on - Devotion of the Rosary written in 1883. What caused me to read that document? This post by a blog called 'The Holy Rosary' he had a link to the Vatican's Rosary site

St. Louis de Montfort really knows how to steer My heart. - "If you say the Rosary faithfully until death, I do assure you that, in spite of the gravity of your sins 'you shall receive a never-fading crown of glory.' Even if you are on the brink of damnation, even if you have one foot in hell, even if you have sold your soul to the devil as sorcerers do who practise black magic, and even if you are a heretic as obstinate as a devil, sooner or later you will be converted and will amend your life and will save your soul, if-- and mark well what I say-- if you say the Holy Rosary devoutly every day until death for the purpose of knowing the truth and obtaining contrition and pardon for your sins."

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Lord, Transform me into yourself

When you say - " lord, Transform me into yourself" be prepared to be in a very uncomfortable position. A place where you do not enjoy, and must challenge yourself to OBEY his instructions and trust in his providence.

I am on the brink of ruin in my own eyes. And this saddens me deeply and I wonder seriously for the second time in my life whether I should continue to live the life of the Gospel and Seek holiness. The work involved in saving my soul and by passing purgatory is tedious. And when faced with the sight of my weaknesses, lackings, failings in life and all of my faults and imperfections, the whole thing looks overwhelming, and holiness, unattainable. But i cannot accept this because i know Wisdom teaches the contrary. That holiness in attainable and god uses our weaknesses as our strengths. Yet I am a burden to myself. What hurts me too is that others confirm these frailties in me by their jokes, gestures and harsh words.

My God, how much of myself I must give to you to be holy! How much this act of love hurts me! To be totally submissive to you and your teachings! That I must Deny myself, pick up my cross and follow you, for my own salvation sake. Seeing the ugliness and the fractures of my body and soul, makes me deeply sad and want to despair. Yet I will trust in your mercy, and hope against hope.

Conversion to the Fullness of Truth

The Living Church Foundation has published and article that alot of catholic blogs are publishing. And thats because it is great news. Finally there is a hope of reunion with the Catholic Church.

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Searching for God and Self

My soul feeds off of today's word which the church so wisely designates for us. Today for me is a continuation of my struggles to know myself and to conform my will and live for god.

This particular sin of mine has burdened me to the point of me just screaming. I feel like not crying out for help to god or to any man because I constantly allow myself to fall. I feel like i can't help myself because I continually seek after what is wrong and malign in my thoughts. I am saddened by this greatly though i am without despair. Anxiety finally takes hold of me. What crushes me mostly is the fact that i don't care as much as i had done before. That I am desensitized to evil and wrong doing, and i have little remorse for sin. I am losing uprightness because of the absences of grace and fear of the lord. my weaknesses and lackings makes itself known. And as a man I dislike being weak and lacking.

My day began with this wrong doing. For me, when I do not give my first hour to god, It is like an offense. I was trying to, for this lent, begin my day with god. I wondered to myself: should i call on god's help? God's mercy?

While travelling to work, I didn't even pray my rosary as usual but began to think. my physical outlook was sad. "I will go to my mother" I said, and i took out the Marian book i had and read this -

Mediatrix of Graces

"Beloved children, I am the Mediatrix of graces. grace is the very life of god which is communicated to you. it springs from the bosom of the father and is merited for you by the word who in my virginal womb, became man to share with you that same divine life, and for this he offered himself as a ransom for you, becoming thus the one and only mediator between god and all humanity.

From the bosom of the father, grace, in order to reach you must therefore pass through the divine heart of the Son, who communicates it to you in his Spirit of love. Just as a ray of light, which passes through a window, assumes its shape, color and design, so too divine grace, merited by Jesus, can come to you only through Him and it is for this reason that it reproduces in you his own image, the very same image which shapes you ever more and more to his own person.

Divine life can reach you only in the form of Jesus, and the more this increases in you, the more you are assimilated to Him, in such a way that you can really grow as his little brothers.

By means of grace, the Father communicates himself to you ever more and more, the Son assimilates you, the Holy Spirit transforms you, bringing about a relationship of life with the Most Holy Trinity, which becomes ever increasingly strong and active. Within souls who are in grace, it is the Most Holy Trinity itself which takes up its dwelling place there.

This Life of grace has also a relationship with your heavenly Mother. As i am truly the Mother of Jesus and your Mother, my mediation is exercised between you and my Son Jesus. This is the natural consequence of my divine motherhood. As the Mother of Jesus, I am the means chosen by God by which my Son can reach you. IN my virginal womb this first act of mediation of mine is carried out. As your Mother, I was the means chosen by Jesus that through me all of you may reach Him.

I am truly the mediatrix of grace between you and my Son Jesus. My task is that of distributing to my little children that grace which flows out from the bosom of the Father, is merited for you by the Son and is given to you by the Holy Spirit. My task is that of distributing it to all my children, according to the particular needs of each one, which the Mother is very good at knowing. I am ever carrying out this duty of mine. However I can carry it out fully only in the case of those children who entrust themselves to me with perfect abandonment. I am above all able to carry it out in respect to you, my favorite sons who, by your consecration, have entrusted yourselves completely to me.

I am the way which leads you to Jesus. I am the safest and shortest way, the necessary way for each one of you. If you refuse to go along this way, you run the danger of being lost in the course of your journey. Today many have wished to put me aside, considering me an obstacle in reaching Jesus, because they have not understood my function as mediatrix between you and my Son. And so, never before as in these present times, are so many of my children running the risk of not being able to reach Him. The Jesus whom they meet is often only the result of their human research, and corresponds to their aspirations and desires; He is a Jesus formed according to their measure: he is not Jesus, the Christ, the true Son of God and of your Immaculate Mother.

Entrust yourselves to me with confidence and you will remain faithful, because I will be able to carry out fully my work as mediatrix of graces. I will take you each day along the way of my Son, in such a way that He may increase in you to his fullness.
This is my great Work, which I am still carrying out in silence and in the desert. Under my powerful action as mediatrix of graces, you are ever more transformed into Christ, that you may become fit for the task which awaits you. Forward then, with courage, along the way traced out by your heavenly Mother"

With yet still a downcast appearance, I pondered on these words and won some hope and strength to continue. When I came to work now, I read the reading for the day and I ATE that Gospel up. I CONSUMED him who was the word. because Jesus was questioned about himself and in god he found himself. That is what i want. I do not know exactly how this word affects me but i feel like I gained some peace and grace to carry on.

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Allah's Wicked, Warlike and Pretensive Children

This is an article i found on Agnus daily and would like to get some feedback. Is this true? If it is, then the pope was right to quote the Byzantine emperor -

“Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”


"Muslims train special forces ninjas in response to Catholic aggression

In response to Catholic aggression and proselytizing, Muslim countries have begun to train ninja-like special forces units that are designed to inhibit the spread of Christianity. The units are to be strategically placed throughout Europe, and will be used to secretly collect information on local Churches and Church officials that seek to promote Christian moral values, and theology. Muslim leaders admit that there are only a handful of Churches in Europe that these units will be assigned to, but it is seen as a necessary pre-emptive measure in order to maintain the stable growth of Islam.

Posted March 25, 2007@12:01 by Dean Soto"

What is this Catholic Aggression and Proselytizing they are talking about. All the Church has done is respect their religion and show truth through Faith and Reasoning. not through violence.

If this is True then the Emperor of Old and the Modern Pope was Accurate in their Observations and Judgements!

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My Annuncation Day

for the past two days my eye have been jumping. and we have a saying in my country that when the right eye jumps, you will see someone you haven't seen in a very long time. when your left eye jumps, you are going to hear some bad news. And almost everytime it is true. Yesterday I got up with my eye jumping and i was wondering, who was i going to see?

Yesterday was the feast of the Annuncation and I must say that i spent it reverently as i could. God permitted that I start the day with Adoration in my Church, Something that i haven't done in quite along time, and there I praised God for his gift of mercy to mankind (Blessed Virgin Mary) and offered my day to him permitting whatever he wills to happen to me, may happen to me. later on in the day i attended church half way through the mass. I was thankful but didn't receive communion. I also was tempted to fall into a certain weakness but i was able to resist. But i felt the 'heat of the flames' (the temptation)

So many people do not know the importance of this day.....to their loss. So many graces to behold, so much love shown. If only i could imitate the love of her, who loved god most while on earth, and who loves her most intermittly in heaven! oh would that be a joy. To be totally under the divine providence of god. My prayer is that I may know and understand the full dept of this Mystery of God and Mary in the Incarnation of the Word of God.

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My Burden of Sin. My Hope in God.

Do you hate when you cause yourself to sin? That is me. For the pass two days I have allowed myself to fall into the occassions of sin. I hate when i do that. When I choose to disobey god and destroy myself in the process. Its like this. We are told not to smoke because it's unhealty for you and kills you faster. I causes you pain and suffering and it destroys inside of you...BUT YET you ignore that fact and continue because it feels good! And that the problem with sin. It feels good, and it is only after we have committed the sin that we feel guilty, and its only later on in life we wonder why such and such a thing is happening to us.

Sometimes I wonder, "why do I even bother to try and get better? Every time i try to i end up doing the same shit again!" The answer is really simple, and i have learnt it. Unless you decide for Goodness/Righteousness, you will never be happy. You must always keep trying. And that's the plain truth. God did not make us to suffer, we chose that for ourselves, but we have to suffer because it makes us happy people in the long run. Virtue I learnt is acquired through habit. A person who complains is never happy. A person who is a peace is.

We have to suffer because it is the means for our salvation.

Another answer to this question because God has promised Mankind (me) that if you live the life of the Gospel, and Trust in His mercy, How can he as a Father not forgive me and help. He said he will restore mankind (me) to his former glory (The Mystical City of God book), He said that he awards the effort more than the achievement (Diary of St. Faustina). So that gives me courage to continue. Guilt is good because it let you be aware of you sins and repent for them. Yes he is Just but he favours mercy. Being just if you look at it carefully is really an act of Mercy. Thats why there is a Saving Justice.